tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69770991933910954502024-02-08T09:50:36.570-08:00Voice of the PeepholeEventually we end up as One-A-Day Vitamins for the soil so outside of decency and compassion anything goes.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.comBlogger91125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-70372387566842600502012-05-28T11:36:00.001-07:002012-05-28T11:41:34.764-07:00Let's Ask The Fucked Up Sage!I’m sure many of you know people who offer wisdom and insight on a variety of things but are themselves incredibly screwed up. This doesn’t negate the things they say it doesn’t even make them hypocrites. It just makes life more entertaining.<br />
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So Let's go ask The Fucked Up Sage.<br />
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Fucked up sage you have known me for a long time. Do I always seem discontent in relationships and never satisfied.? <br />
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Well you might have gone a bit overboard when you set up the video camera capture of him leaving the toilet seat down with the dramatic Wagner sound track, but all in all you have surrounded yourself with extremely weak and helpless neurotic men so you might have a reason to be discontent.<br />
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Thanks Fucked up Sage.<br />
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(The Fucked Up sage did three to five years for petty larceny. His longest relationship has been in the grocery store check out line where he asked a woman in front of her what she was going to do with three cartons of Hamms beer and a box of Depends)<br />
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Let's ask the Fucked Up Sage<br />
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Fucked Up Sage Does our insignificance in terms of geologic time really make Oprah’s no texting while driving campaign silly and a waste of time?<br />
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No it doesn’t, the fact we all turn to dust and are not even a whisper uttered across time and space only makes it more important to have both hands on the wheel. And besides that the woman needs a cause. Jesus have you seen her lately.<br />
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Thanks Fucked up Sage.<br />
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(The Fucked Up Sage had his license revoked several years ago for unpaid speeding violations. He served two years in a Maximum security facility for assaulting an individual after trying to get a space in line for a taping of the Oprah show where she was rumored to be giving away cars. )<br />
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Lets ask the Fucked Up Sage<br />
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Fucked up Sage. How long can you leave pizza on the counter before its unsafe to eat?<br />
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That’s a bit tricky. If you leave it out long enough you may eat it, vomit profusely but the upside it creates a form of botchulism which allows you to apply the stiff pizza to your forehead to get rid of wrinkles<br />
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Thanks Fucked Up Sage<br />
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(The Fucked Up sage once delivered pizzas and later robbed the same houses. He called his Mother once fifteen years ago and hung up on her when she asked whats the matter. “Whats the matter fucked up sage.” The fucked up sage has had fifteen housekeepers in the last three years and most refuse to acknowledge him in public.)<br />
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Fucked up Sage, the latest scientific thinking suggests the laws of nature are capable of everything including creating themselves and creating god. Do you believe in a higher power?<br />
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As to the spontaneous creation of the universe If General Mills has taught us anything its that even Hamburger needs a helper.<br />
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Thanks fucked up Sage.<br />
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(The Fucked Up Sage once got probation for a coupon scam involving the General Mills Company. He was a Big Brother Mentor for the shortest time in history. Approximately fifteen seconds when his first question to the troubled child was “what is all this worth to you”)<br />
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The Fucked Up Sage would Love to answer more of your questions but he has a meeting shortly as President of the Humanities Council and before that has to brush up on recent changes to extradition laws. But if you need some wise advice on anything under, below, around or above the sun why not ask the Fucked Up Sage.<br />
<br />spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-17110981920317026492011-12-17T15:08:00.000-08:002011-12-17T16:27:41.765-08:00There Goes My Future (Part II of The Producer)Like most epiphanies mine lasted about as long as the balance in my checking.<br />When your stomach makes hunger noises like Chewbacca the embrace of realization, the joy of insight is empty. Besides that hopewhore doesnt dissapear so quickly. She works every corner in your heart.<br /><br />So when the producer of the future Scooby Glee called me and asked me for a "special" favor:<br />"Could I walk his dog for a week" I was happy to oblige.<br />"I can pay you something and I wont forget this Joel."<br />"The I wont forget this Joel" had a slight sincere Godfatherish feel to it. He emphasized that part and chose his words carefully. These guys can act too.<br />Still that faint voice went off in the back of my head. You're taking a producers word on something. This race of folks whose words and promises fade quicker than an etch a sketch image in a 9.2 earthquake.<br />Oh cmon even as another John to the hopewhore I would give humanity the benefit of the doubt.<br />The dog was some kind of royal breed something or othe,r but in my mind it was much too close to the ground to really qualify as a dog but what did I care. It was also cross eyed implying some kind of natural stupidity but what does canine intelligence compare to the word of a producer in debt to a "talented" writer.<br />The hopewhore spreads her legs.<br /><br />Everything went well for the first few days in the lakefront walks.. The dog went about his business as I built up my credibility and favor points that would undoubtedly land me a writing job<br />"But Genghis Kahn you promised"<br />The third day in the park his leash snapped and the dog promptly took off. I'll never forget that sound and the shower of rhinestones of that followed. It was like some kind of reverse baptism purifying me with sorrow.<br />For something so close to earth that dog could move. Maybe it was the lack of gravity. It was yelping too as if that made it go faster. It clearly out ran me and as it got farther off in the distance I vividly remembered my words. "There goes your future"" There goes your fucking future"<br />Now not only would this producer not help me but I would be blacklisted all over the West and East Coast.<br />"The guy cant walk a dog". That was worse than Joe McCarthy's label of communist.<br />I was simultaneously in numbing shock and all over the place. <br />I stopped people all along the lakefront. "Have you seen my future?"<br />"Huh excuse me"<br />" It yelps and is crosseyed. My future. A little dog, did you see a little dog come running by here?"<br />"No sorry. We havent seen your uh, future."<br />I think I looked as out of sorts as Smigel from the Lord of the Rings cause people backed up as I approached them. My "precious" was probably shitting on the run.<br />All the thousands of clever emails and phone calls just to try acknowledgment of my existence let alone anyone look at my work and this high strung royal canadien whatever the fuck it was breed with a goddamn bow keeping its hair out of its eyes, this was going to be my downfall.<br />Taken down and out of life by a dog with a bow. Oh that hurt.<br />Despite asking everyone I passed nobody had seen my future.<br />I gave up completely and believe I started to cry. I started choosing my tragic words to tell to the producer. And then amidst the depths of despair I spotted the dog at the corner of an old building chowing down on one of those multicolored popsicles ; its tongue way too big for its body. With my future and well being again in reach I was able to calm down enough to think.<br />If I tried to grab it and carry it it would probably bite me. Could I hang onto it with its little shit teeth in me even if that was my future? Probably not. I grabbed a large vine and doubled it and used it as a make shift leash. I remember walking it back to its condo. Thinking life is so tenous its held together by a shoddy rhinestone cord.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-74255036100348777592011-11-20T08:16:00.000-08:002011-11-20T08:48:21.538-08:00What They Almost Called "Occupy Wall Street"Before "they" settled on the phrase "Occupy Wall Street" these names were being considered for the movement but were abandonned at the last minute.<br /><br />"One percent capitalist bastards who like those Christmas Lexus commercials where the cars have large red bows around them"<br /><br />"We do in fact swim in your toilet and we will in fact pee in your park"<br /><br />"Pay it forward, backwards and sideways"<br /><br />"Too Big To Fail is about Banks not Erectile dysfunction"<br /><br />"Storm the Orange Julius"<br /><br />"The 1% control the other 99% which leaves the Other 5% helpless. See we need more money for education"<br /><br />"You Took the Trust out of Trust Fund"<br /><br />"My other Mercedes has more debt than this one"<br /><br />"My mortgage is so underwater I sold it Jacques Cousteau"<br /><br />"U.S.D.D" United States Deficit Disorder. Please pay attention.<br /><br />"This is a good excuse as any to form a drum circle"spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-56498325336963188682011-10-15T08:26:00.000-07:002011-10-15T08:32:03.401-07:00Zombie Movies I Would Like to See<strong>A Zombies tail<br /></strong>Depite the social stigmas and obstacles a group of folks make it their mission to reconstruct a zombies lips so he can sing on Americas Got Talent. Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie as the lips.<br /><br /><strong>Zombie Like Magnolias<br /></strong>Sensitive divorced zombies meet in a support group , learn a little about themselves and open their own beauty parlor. Features Meryl Strept Throat.<br /><br /><strong>Skin Loose</strong><br />Robbed of their secret desire to dance by the oppression of the grave and small town politics these zombies shake their booties which makes them lose what little flesh they have left. Stars Kevin 'Your Face Tastes Like' Bacon.”<br /><br /><strong>Primary Contagion<br /></strong>After eating the brains of republicans Zombies are mysteriously dropping like flies. The worlds scientists work feverishly to create more republicans by encouraging the zombies to propose taxes on millionaires and expand the role of government. Matt 'Damien' and a special appearance by "A Pinch of “Newt” Gingrich”<br /><br /><strong>The Zombie Bender<br /></strong>A group of old college buddies zombies get together and get so shit faced they steal the hounds of hell from the Devil. Bradley Cooper plays every part.<br /><br /><strong>Forrest Stumps</strong><br />After the apocalypse (despite the loss of his half eaten legs) one man and his child like naiveté, survive. He charms zombies left and right with his incredible stories.<br />“Excuse me Forest uh well uh please don’t try and run”<br />Justin Bieber takes on the challenging role.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-84496141517399947232011-10-08T08:31:00.000-07:002011-10-08T08:41:07.289-07:00Reviews of T.V Shows in Twenty Words or Less<strong>Ice Road Truckers</strong><br />Get some goddamn salt already.<br /><br /><strong>Project Runway</strong><br />Tim Gunn is to Gay as Rodney King is to Fuck Up.<br /><br /><strong>The X Factor</strong><br />American The Voice Idol Got Talent. Hello!<br /><br />Mill<strong>ionaire Matchmaker</strong><br />Needs to modernize to reflect the times "Horny Bankrupt HasBeens"<br /><br /><strong>CSI</strong><br />The Latest:<br />"M-I-C-K-E-Y we found traces of ear hair in the bloody tub M-O-U-S-E Cincinnati"<br /><br /><strong>Confessions of an Animal Hoarder</strong><br />Animal excrement as eco flooring. I should have thought of that.<br /><strong>Dog The Bounty Hunter</strong><br />What no K-Mart line of fashion designed by the wife?<br /><br /><strong>Survivor</strong><br />In desperate Ipod Shuffle mode of every winner and loser there ever was.<br /><br /><strong>The Biggest Loser</strong><br />Where is "The Biggest Gainer" featuring insecure anorexics gaining a quarter ounce.<br /><br /><strong>Celebrity ReHab</strong><br />Scott Baio's agent pleads with him to become an addict to jump start his career.<br /><br /><strong>Any Housewives of Any City</strong><br />Where is "Ya hey dere bitches of Fargo"spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-24779171561886947672011-09-24T07:59:00.000-07:002011-09-24T08:11:31.047-07:00The ProducerI had thought those days were over. The days when one producer would read my script and then call up another producer and and ask is this guy funny and the other producer would say yes he is. And then the original producer would say “You’re right I think he is hysterical” I thought those days were over. But like a thick headed addict though the years I kept pecking away, with an occasional email query to a friend in the business; including a local producer transplanted from Los Angeles.<br />I contantly sent him material until one day I found myself in a local New Buffalo Michigan watering yuppized hole with a slick graphic of a dog on the sign in front.<br />This producer had a “project” for me. At 51 I still conveyed that eager beaver give me a chance crap. How many horror stories do you need to hear before the bright eyed and bushey tailed routine gives way to used brillo pads rubbing off tatoos of motorcycling riding cupids. How much of a fucking hope addict can one be? Look The “Intervention” should take place not for the drug addict, the intervention should be for that Hallmark crack, called Hope, you peddle inside yourself as you rapidly decay from your quest for contentment .<br />Much to my amazement I couldn’t stop with the “Gee I really appreciate a shot at this”“Gee. “ Isn’t that a word Eddie Haskell used with Mr. and Mrs Cleaver before he was shooting gay porn five years later.I’m beginning to think I’m the type that would just go out and try and to stage an “Up With People concert’ in a concentration camp.<br />This is the Midwest. We don’t trust anything that doesn’t grow in the ground. This producer grew up here. He must be different, grounded so to speak. He pulls up in Black Hummer with the vanity plates “T.V writer.”And fuck. He has perfect teeth. The first thing out of his mouth is Joel“I’m up to 200 squats a week now.” <br />Oh cmon you know those moments where life writes so much better satire than you ever possibly could you want to say why bother? And the next thing out of mouth is “To hell with the six pack I’m going for the case.”Again life you bastard, I could never write that. I mutter something about I think I’ll stick with abdominal jello mold down there and I get a nervous smile.<br /><br />He starts pulling the cute teenage waitresses aside. “Darlene You should know this guy. He’s a brilliant writer” I got a big smile from her and an “Impressive’ That is just plain good. Dangle nymphos in front of you and feed your very hungry man ego.<br />Tactic #1 in the producer handbook. Combine cute young girls with flattery about your talent. I was familiar with these tactics and I thought I learned my lesson years earlier in my brush with Hollyrock. I had signed with the agency who had the hot receptionist offer to take me to an upcoming movie premier.. My alternative was to sign with incredibly obnoxious guy who would always yell in office “Calendar, calendar” and his assistant would come running. Thank god I didn’t go with him, what a fucking loser this guy Ari Emmanuel was. He wasn’t going anywhere. Nice call on my part.<br /><br />No I had learned. I had learned so well that on my way to the bathroom I ran into the waitress and asked for her phone number and I’m guessing from the phone call I made to her the next day only three of the numbers she gave me were wrong.<br />You know how there’s geologic time. How things take place over billions of years? I am working on geologic stupidity. You make the same mistake for millions of years, so much so that your own personal evolution works backwards and you’re a goddamn ape before you even made it to your bar mitzvah.<br />Best case scenario: I become some wildly bearded esoteric astronomer of geological stupidity and have some theories and insights into the origin of the “Big Dumb.” Worse case I find my continually find myself in a Chicago alley on a Saturday night yelling how my girlfriend is fucking with my mind.<br />The producer now starts to tell me despite his millions how he’s a regular guy. “You and I Joel are no different.” How he recently got back from a trip to France where his best friend of his built an underground ice rink under, yes under a lake. An ice skating rink under a lake and me well I am trying to decide if it’s a throw caution to the wind kind of night and do Tuna Helper instead of Hamburger Helper. I guess he had that no matter how deep you engage, admire, embrace the decadence; if you pretend you have distance, it is not you. Of course you are as much what you claim you aren’t as you are.<br />The next thing I know I’m at home staring at the pilot. I'm terrified to open it. Don’t ruin this with flatulent predicatability of reality. I suspect it will be such drivel I will need to cover it in a special vomit proof cover. But you know what I could be wrong. I usually am.<br />The first sentence“Ted is a the good looking captain of the football team” Wait, wait this could be that perfect set up for satire. Don’t prejudge.<br />2. Alice is an ambitious journalist who runs the school paper who flirts with Ted. Son of a bitch!<br />3. Together they solve crimes but not before some wonderful musical performances.<br />I wish I knew the Kaddish the Jewish somber prayer for the dead. Some of the most somber words ever written.<br />This is fucking Scooby Doo meets Glee. He wants me to try a write an episode for Scooby Glee. Scooby Glee. 51 and I’m trying to write an episode for Scooby Glee. Well you have to hand it to life. 51 and trying to write an episode for Scooby Glee. I couldn’t make that up.<br />In the equilibrium of all things, in the mathematics of all things explained it’s this<br />Eddie Haskell doing gay porn= Joel trying to write an episode of Scooby Glee squared.<br />Now I am not proud. I have no artistic pretension or creative integrity. I’m the biggest pimp to wit to ever walk the earth. But I literally could never write this. I couldn’t think this way. I didn’t have the ability and I was grateful. An epiphany. Not the Michael Angelo sixteenth chapel fingers touching stuff, more like hearing the symphony in the water that settles after the toilet flush. I went from “could I be anymore pathetic” to the uplifting strength of embracing my severe and profound limitations. Somehow there is such strange comfort in knowing the only real character I’m capable of creating is the character of myself. I’ll take solitary in my narcissistic prison any old day.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-67436537659318341462010-08-09T09:38:00.000-07:002010-08-09T09:39:41.665-07:00How as A Miserable Person I Become Happy When the Chicago Cubs LoseIn this complex world of “static kills” and aerial wolf hunting politicians with potential brother in laws named Levi, there is one refreshing constant, the Chicago Cubs losing record.<br /><br />The heartbreak of psoriasis seems like a full body massage in relation to watching them squander a 5 run eighth inning lead. It’s a thing of tragic beauty. <br />If you ever have an identity crisis “Who am I?” Then catch the Cub score.<br /> “Oh yeah now I remember”<br /> If you feel you’ve accomplished nothing in life, that you are just killing time eating sandwiches waiting for a terminal illness, granted with the comfort of multiple movie channels, you can’t help but to feel considerably better about your lack of life when you consider the hundred year plus drought of the Chicago cubs not winning a World Series.<br />It’s the sports equivalent of the 1930’s dust bowl. A blue pin stripe dust bowl with young men called up from Iowa and fly balls lost in ivy walls.<br /><br />If misery loves company then the North Siders are like the guest that never leaves.<br />I don’t think of myself as unemployed my job is to watch them walk in the winning run.<br />My job is to witness the joyful side of the loveable losers.<br /><br />No accident their web site is littered with ads for the lottery. You and I both know where the odds are better.<br />They are currently 15 games under 500. This is the emotional equivalent of crying during an anti depression commercial.<br />Maybe those commercials should really say, you don’t need drugs if you are feeling bad just turn to channel 9 around 1 in the afternoon.<br />Yet the team changed hands last year for nearly a billion dollars.<br />I wonder if would they be worth less if they won.<br /> If they are sacrificial lambs on the field to make us feel better about ourselves off the field, well they do a fine job. The Chicago Cubs “the feel bad hence feel good hit of the year"spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-17572395348664823522010-06-08T18:13:00.000-07:002010-06-08T18:16:24.591-07:00Not Things That Make You Go Hmmm But Things That Make You Go What The FuckOne moment your playing baseball as a kid and you’re running the bases in slow motion and the next moment you’re waiting for biopsy results, Not things that make you go hmmm but things that make you go what the fuck.<br /><br />Your 16 and your told you can do anything you want, the world is your Pre BP oil spill oyster but before you know it you’re spending your time and energy plotting ways to get some frustrated editor to take five minutes to read something of yours which by the time they finally do you realize is not that important or worth your ridiculous persistence.<br />But as they read they chip their tooth on their macadamia nut brittle and they reject and curse everything you have ever written cause your name immediately reminds them of root canal. Not things that make you go hmmm<br /> things that make you go what the fuck.<br /><br />You skip and laugh, all excited, taking your allowance to the drug store to buy some penny candy. Your biggest pressure in life is which candy to buy.<br />Now that penny candy cost you thousands in diabetes treatments and your allowance comes in the form of medicare which you travel down to the mailbox in your hoveround swearing at every piece of gravel you encounter on the way there.<br />Not things that make you go hmmm<br /> things that make you go what the fuck.<br /><br /><br /><br />On television people are dancing and jumping up in the air from the joy of buying cars.<br />Now on television 300 pd nasty looking guys with tattoos wrestle you to the ground to as you try and stop them repossessing those same cars, not things that make you go hmmm,things that make you go what the fuck.<br /><br />One second the woman you live with is “muffin, wuffin, love and light of my life” have you seen that magic wand I change the channels with<br />Then its hey you who has the ass of some goddamn weird shaped baking product, have you seen the fucking remote .<br />Not things that make you hmmm, things that make you go what the fuck.<br /><br />Your 21 you tilt your head towards the and the sky is full of a million stars with the depth of possibility and the wonder of other worlds, 20 years later and after you barely manage to get out of car at night wrestling with chronic back pain you tilt your pulled muscle head its not to examine the heavens but activate your motion sensitive lights that blare out the stars like a suburban nuke.. <br />Not things that make you go hmm<br /> things that make you go what the fuck.<br /><br /><br />One moment you’re a treasure hunter looking for gold and fossils by the creek<br />then you’re in a ragged t shirt and dentures with a metal detector looking for nickles in the mud. Not things that make you go hmmm<br /> things that make you go what the fuck.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-3983266766427825072010-05-27T09:31:00.000-07:002010-05-27T09:32:38.350-07:00Best Ways to Plug the Oil SpillHave Paul Bunyan take Viagra and plug it with his four hour erection.<br /><br />Make it a team project for Sharon Osbourne and Barbara Streisand in “Oil Spill Apprentice “<br /><br />Dump a million nascar beer koozies in there.<br /><br />Have one of the well enhanced women from a Go Daddy commercial reach down to pick up a gold medallion off the ocean floor<br /><br />Tell Kanye West that Taylor Swift is getting a MTV award at the site of the spill and he will show up and all his bling will plug the hole.<br /><br />Convince Studio executives to do a film about teenage oil sucking vampires.<br /><br />Let BP executives explain the oil leak is not as bad if viewed with 3D glassesspentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-91641366607575434502010-02-19T11:17:00.000-08:002010-02-19T11:20:19.770-08:00The Tiger Woods Paradox How Hookers Could Become Mother Theresa's.If every time a very rich high profile celebrity scewed up (so to speak) they would have to give half their life's savings to the World Hunger Project we would not only forgive them we would commend them. In fact we would hope for them to fuck up.<br />Think about it wouldn't you like to see Tiger fuck everybody in sight if it resulted in saving thousands upon thousands of children.<br />This is a new kind of reverse morality that deals with the reality that people make mistakes. They will always make mistakes but if they receive hundreds of millions of dollars for being held to a different standard, take that money and do good with it. In that sense hookers are all really Mother Theresa's.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-14847001284239488412010-02-08T13:37:00.000-08:002010-02-08T13:39:45.114-08:00The Indictment PartyIllinois has produced an articulate extremely intelligent President but now I think its time to go back to our roots.<br />Its time for the creation of a new party that embraces our long history and tendency towards corruption. This party, well lets call it “the Indictment” party.<br />Qualified candidates must have a class 1 felony and be at least under investigation for one count of racketeering.<br />If there are any real names on the petitions of registered voters, the candidates will be immediately disqualified.<br />This party will give a face to the prostitutes, not hide them away.<br />The press secretaries for the candidates must be investigative reporters looking into things like where did the money go for blue jean day.<br />For the indictment party to accuse is to show you care.<br /><br />The state of the union will be delivered behind bars. The state license plate would feature a graphic of a prisoner making the state license plate.<br /><br />The wives of candidates will stand by their men through thick and thin and only be allowed to divorce the men if they are faithful and don’t cheat on them.<br />A special press conference might go a little like this<br />complete with a tear strewn face the wife musters the courage to speak:<br />“In the Fall of 2008 I have learned my husband did not sleep with anyone but me. For myself, my children and the good of the party I have no choice but to leave him.<br />I believed in the promiscuity of the women of Argentina but they have let me down and more importantly have let you, the voters down.”<br /><br />All bids submitted to the government agencies must be transparent and posted on the internet and by transparent I mean-<br />Yes the bids must contain why they should be allowed to make the buses, but more importantly who will get the kickbacks and the kickbacks must be earmarked for further corrupt activities like opening a chain of massage parlors, then blackmailing the alderman who frequent them.<br />For the indictment party “Pay it sleazy” replaces “Pay It Forward”spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-42066008618633309082010-02-06T06:18:00.000-08:002010-02-06T06:19:49.100-08:00New Excuses Jon Edwards Has for His BehaviorHis girlfriend was an avatar he needed to sleep with so he could save the world from a band of cheating nymphomaniacs.<br /><br />The sex tape was made to raise money for the Haiti earthquake victims and we’ll be released with his upcoming feel good song“We fuck the world”<br /><br />He wore a pink ribbon while he slept with the woman to raise money for his wife’s breast cancer.<br /><br />In addition to lewd sex acts he also discusses the dangers of global warming on the tape.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-51967465761532125512009-10-23T09:41:00.000-07:002009-10-23T09:58:54.380-07:00Kanye West Swears He Owns Illegal GunsUpset about all the publicity Lil Wayne is getting after the illegal gun charges Kanye West is stepping forward.<br />At a recent press conference Kanye rambled and spouted:<br />"I own several guns, none of which are registered. Pull me over I dare you.<br />The police are scared of me. I thought for sure my "My Other Gun Isnt legally Registered Either" bumper sticker would make me a player.<br />Hell I eat .40-calibre semi-automatic's for breakfast.<br />In fact when I interrupted Taylor Swift I was packing. I really wanted to say Beyonce's firearms are the best but I didnt want to get her in trouble.<br />And you know when Plaxico Burris accidentally shot himself.<br />That was my gun in his pants and no he wasn't just happy to see me.<br />I supply most of the hip hop and rapper world with their pieces.<br />You see I'm a firm believer in gun control. There are lots of guns and I control them."spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-36218164685090671682009-10-21T11:11:00.000-07:002009-10-21T11:17:48.574-07:00Republicans Claim Dems Considering Public vs Private Euthanasia OptionIn what is being called scare tactics some Republican senators claim the Democrats are considering giving the public choice of Euthanasia options.<br />A little know Republican Wyoming senator pointed out this may put private Euthanasia entities out of business. "We need to create an even playing field even if we are burying people under that field"spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-57316551082179330182009-10-19T07:27:00.000-07:002009-10-19T07:44:22.149-07:00New Reality show to Feature Publicity Stunts for New Reality ShowIn the lastest life imitates art imitating life imitating a parakeet imitating life Fox has announced a new reality show, "Reality Shmeeality" that features everyday joe Sixpacks and Betty 24 packs who stage elaborate hoaxes in the hope of getting on the air.<br />Inspired by the recent balloon fiasco some of the stories in development include a young boy who has fallen down a hole in the factory where they make the "Clapper" and all the workers clap out songs to find him including "Day Tripper" and "Yellow submarine" on loan from the Michael Jackson catalog. He is eventually found by a young Mexican worker clapping out the Macarena and it turns out the worker is illegal and is profiled on 48 Hours "Whose Job is it Anyways?"<br />Another scenario has octomom taking a snorkeling trip and fighting for the rites to saltwater with Octopus (a jelly verterbrae'd fish) with triplet tentacles on the way. Octomom is eventually overtaken by SpongeBobSquarePants who forces out Octomom in a dress design competition.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-33615282131428632332009-10-12T07:36:00.000-07:002009-10-12T07:44:26.450-07:00Obama Receives OscarThe Academy gave the President an Oscar in "one of the most admirable and respected films yet to be made."<br />The Academy went on to say "We know how skilled he will be when he hits the silver screen and this is a vote of confidence that he will beat out Hugh Jackman and Leonardo DiCaprio as well as Jack Nicholson's gritty comeback vehicle."spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-85359565816185295572009-10-05T09:42:00.000-07:002009-10-05T09:43:17.194-07:00Real Reasons Chicago Didn't Get The OlympicsReal Reasons Chicago Didn’t Get the Olympics:<br /><br />During the Presentation all the Chicago delegates were chewing on toothpicks.<br /><br />The logo of the Beefy Ribs encapsulating the city didn’t cut it.<br /><br />The Olympic committee wasn’t impressed by the video showing a flaming arrow lighting up the giant Foam Finger of the Number 1<br /><br />The five Olympic ring of Deep Dish Pizza was too heavy on the sausage.<br /><br />Mayor Daley gave each of the Olympic Voting members a GAF Viewmaster<br />to present his vision of the future.<br /><br />The video of how the lakefront might appear in 2016 including Man eating Asian carp.<br /><br />The Chicago delegation just assumed dead members of the Olympic committee would be part of the voting.<br /><br />In a quest to match the color and passion of the Brazilian dancer’s presentation, the Chicago committee left the actual peacock on their festive headdress of feathers.<br /><br />The Olympic voting committee didn’t bite on their competitive slogan<br />“Chicago: We put the Carny in Carnivale.”spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-55165480473516416352009-09-19T11:53:00.001-07:002009-10-23T08:42:35.485-07:00New Strain of Chim Chimney H1N2 Chimney Flue SpreadsChim, Chimney, Chim Chimney H1N2 has been turning up in rural areas across the country. The virus is created while making smores in cozy cabins and simultaneously watching Mary Poppins.<br />"The graham crackers, chocolate and vision of a flying nanny all blend to confuse cells to the point of virulent Hell" said Chimney Sweep and Immunologist Johnny Vasclowitz.<br />He went on to add "A transfusion of creasote with a I.V marshmellow drip<br />seems to be the only cure."<br />Scientists are hard at work to find a vaccine to fight the strain.<br />"We are getting some early good results with soot DNA. Also we are synthesizing the essence of weenies on sticks and getting some encouraging results." We just hope it doesnt mutate into something we can't get our arms around"<br />People infected often find themselves vomiting and singing at the same time and experience the need to buy several umbrellas.<br />This new strain of flu is not to be confused with the R2D2 Star Wars strain of flu reported to be planted by Lucas Studios.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-62306685731363961012009-08-17T09:23:00.000-07:002009-08-17T09:35:53.905-07:00Existensialist Movement Revived by Obama Health Care DebateWith the Obama administration insisting private companies cover "pre-existing conditions" Existensialism is enjoying a new found popularity.<br />"Not only is your current existence meaningless but before you even existed there still existed a lack of any meaning whatsoever. The fact that governments wants to address this says existensialism is now mainstream" says Helmut Stutgard, philosopher who is homeless but survives the streets of Berlin selling his Schnitzel art.<br />Stutgard went on to add that "God in fact may not even be dead but faking it to eliminate any costly Death Panel debates"spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-27385221427444346922009-08-17T08:49:00.000-07:002009-08-17T09:11:59.659-07:00Republicans Fight Health Care Reform with Popular Country SongsStriking a chord in middle America, Republicans have hired country western stars to rewrite popular country western songs to fight the Obama Health Care plan.<br />Some of the new songs include:<br />"Grandma got run over by A Reindeer Hired by a Death Panel."<br />"She has Betty Davis Eyes, Literally thats all she could afford."<br />"Doctor Doctor give me the news I have a bad case of the Government Option Blues."<br />"Jesus Take the Wheel and Please Run Some Errands for Me, I'm in a Line Around the Block Waiting for Basic Health Care."spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-24940112675511074612009-06-23T11:07:00.001-07:002009-06-23T11:08:03.166-07:00Auto Neurotic AsphyxiationI’m sure many of you have heard about David Carridines death by what is most likely auto erotic asphyxiation. With a jewish mother I have to wonder what would upset her more plain old suicide or accidental death by masturbation. I think the latter would be more upsetting because she might for a second say my god the catholics were right it is a sin.<br />Course in my case it would more likely be auto neurotic asphyxiation where Im suffocated to death by my worries. See I don’t need any rope applied to strategic places or cellophane bags.<br />Eventually I’m so overwhelmed by my worries I cannot breathe; therefore I have no sexual desire whatsoever and I feel completely satisfied.<br />For me its all about heightening the intensity of my worries. There are several techniques used:<br />Like listening to my familys latest problems.<br />“Joel Your sister is a manic depressive, your brother a borderline schizophrenic and your dad was depressed the last ten years of his life.”<br />I like to turn the lights down low I can lay out my overdraft notices on the satin bedspread.<br />What often works for me as an aphrodisiac is examining the six month old expired presccription of Viagra.<br />Or Light a candle by the bathtub and check the latest stock market quotes in a severe recession.<br />Or ask my girlfriend how she feels about me and listen to the silence, the awkard terrible silence. You know the crickets chirping. At least you want to know how the crickets feel about you.<br />Instead of talking dirty I can get off hearing her tell me how disgusting my living conditions are.<br />One sure method for arousal is to check the internet for the 18 fatal diseases that perfectly fit my symptoms.<br />At this point I am such a quivering, frightened mess, well I feel good. I feel manly.<br />After my twelve days of recuperation in the local sanitarium Im already thinking about the next round of auto neurotic asphyxiation.spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-83450001728679489392009-01-23T05:51:00.000-08:002009-01-23T11:06:03.805-08:00Obama Endorses "Ronco OathMaster 2000"Coming off an embarassing foul up while taking the Presidential Oath, the President made his first commercial endorsement for the OathMaster 2000<br />which electronically renews his oath of office every 72 hours.<br />"In this time, in this moment I covered my ass, thanks Ronco" the President told the country.<br />The product works through phone lines "Press 1 if you do solemnly swear" or on a computer as an automatic "refresh" to the oath.<br />A spokesman for the Company was enthusiastic.<br />"We can't wait till 2012 till we have a shot at a another sale"spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-45466990239432358042009-01-17T11:52:00.000-08:002009-01-17T11:53:24.152-08:00Last Minute Inauguration Recipes including "Yes We Clams"Cheney Back Ribs and Much much more.<br /><br /><a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/inauguration_recipes_MP3.mp3">http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/inauguration_recipes_MP3.mp3</a>spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-51839221718880974012009-01-17T06:31:00.000-08:002009-01-17T06:34:36.199-08:00Half Ton PaloozaWhat happens when you watch back to back "Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Mom, Half Ton Dad"<br /><a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/half_ton_MP3.mp3">http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/half_ton_MP3.mp3</a>spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6977099193391095450.post-72963041397809365292009-01-17T06:29:00.000-08:002009-01-17T06:30:52.250-08:00Ronco Presents "Great Thinkers of All Time"Fat Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity, DesGroceryCartes, plus Neitzsche for children.<br /><a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/ronco_presents_great_thinkers_MP3.mp3">http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/ronco_presents_great_thinkers_MP3.mp3</a>spentcattlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02605167065614046291noreply@blogger.com0