Voice of the Peephole

There Goes My Future (Part II of The Producer)

2011-12-17T15:08:00.000-08:00

Like most epiphanies mine lasted about as long as the balance in my checking.
When your stomach makes hunger noises like Chewbacca the embrace of realization, the joy of insight is empty. Besides that hopewhore doesnt dissapear so quickly. She works every corner in your heart.

So when the producer of the future Scooby Glee called me and asked me for a "special" favor:
"Could I walk his dog for a week" I was happy to oblige.
"I can pay you something and I wont forget this Joel."
"The I wont forget this Joel" had a slight sincere Godfatherish feel to it. He emphasized that part and chose his words carefully. These guys can act too.
Still that faint voice went off in the back of my head. You're taking a producers word on something. This race of folks whose words and promises fade quicker than an etch a sketch image in a 9.2 earthquake.
Oh cmon even as another John to the hopewhore I would give humanity the benefit of the doubt.
The dog was some kind of royal breed something or othe,r but in my mind it was much too close to the ground to really qualify as a dog but what did I care. It was also cross eyed implying some kind of natural stupidity but what does canine intelligence compare to the word of a producer in debt to a "talented" writer.
The hopewhore spreads her legs.

Everything went well for the first few days in the lakefront walks.. The dog went about his business as I built up my credibility and favor points that would undoubtedly land me a writing job
"But Genghis Kahn you promised"
The third day in the park his leash snapped and the dog promptly took off. I'll never forget that sound and the shower of rhinestones of that followed. It was like some kind of reverse baptism purifying me with sorrow.
For something so close to earth that dog could move. Maybe it was the lack of gravity. It was yelping too as if that made it go faster. It clearly out ran me and as it got farther off in the distance I vividly remembered my words. "There goes your future"" There goes your fucking future"
Now not only would this producer not help me but I would be blacklisted all over the West and East Coast.
"The guy cant walk a dog". That was worse than Joe McCarthy's label of communist.
I was simultaneously in numbing shock and all over the place.
I stopped people all along the lakefront. "Have you seen my future?"
"Huh excuse me"
" It yelps and is crosseyed. My future. A little dog, did you see a little dog come running by here?"
"No sorry. We havent seen your uh, future."
I think I looked as out of sorts as Smigel from the Lord of the Rings cause people backed up as I approached them. My "precious" was probably shitting on the run.
All the thousands of clever emails and phone calls just to try acknowledgment of my existence let alone anyone look at my work and this high strung royal canadien whatever the fuck it was breed with a goddamn bow keeping its hair out of its eyes, this was going to be my downfall.
Taken down and out of life by a dog with a bow. Oh that hurt.
Despite asking everyone I passed nobody had seen my future.
I gave up completely and believe I started to cry. I started choosing my tragic words to tell to the producer. And then amidst the depths of despair I spotted the dog at the corner of an old building chowing down on one of those multicolored popsicles ; its tongue way too big for its body. With my future and well being again in reach I was able to calm down enough to think.
If I tried to grab it and carry it it would probably bite me. Could I hang onto it with its little shit teeth in me even if that was my future? Probably not. I grabbed a large vine and doubled it and used it as a make shift leash. I remember walking it back to its condo. Thinking life is so tenous its held together by a shoddy rhinestone cord.

What They Almost Called "Occupy Wall Street"

2011-11-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

Before "they" settled on the phrase "Occupy Wall Street" these names were being considered for the movement but were abandonned at the last minute.

"One percent capitalist bastards who like those Christmas Lexus commercials where the cars have large red bows around them"

"We do in fact swim in your toilet and we will in fact pee in your park"

"Pay it forward, backwards and sideways"

"Too Big To Fail is about Banks not Erectile dysfunction"

"Storm the Orange Julius"

"The 1% control the other 99% which leaves the Other 5% helpless. See we need more money for education"

"You Took the Trust out of Trust Fund"

"My other Mercedes has more debt than this one"

"My mortgage is so underwater I sold it Jacques Cousteau"

"U.S.D.D" United States Deficit Disorder. Please pay attention.

"This is a good excuse as any to form a drum circle"

Zombie Movies I Would Like to See

2011-10-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

A Zombies tail
Depite the social stigmas and obstacles a group of folks make it their mission to reconstruct a zombies lips so he can sing on Americas Got Talent. Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie as the lips.

Zombie Like Magnolias
Sensitive divorced zombies meet in a support group , learn a little about themselves and open their own beauty parlor. Features Meryl Strept Throat.

Skin Loose
Robbed of their secret desire to dance by the oppression of the grave and small town politics these zombies shake their booties which makes them lose what little flesh they have left. Stars Kevin 'Your Face Tastes Like' Bacon.”

Primary Contagion
After eating the brains of republicans Zombies are mysteriously dropping like flies. The worlds scientists work feverishly to create more republicans by encouraging the zombies to propose taxes on millionaires and expand the role of government. Matt 'Damien' and a special appearance by "A Pinch of “Newt” Gingrich”

The Zombie Bender
A group of old college buddies zombies get together and get so shit faced they steal the hounds of hell from the Devil. Bradley Cooper plays every part.

Forrest Stumps
After the apocalypse (despite the loss of his half eaten legs) one man and his child like naiveté, survive. He charms zombies left and right with his incredible stories.
“Excuse me Forest uh well uh please don’t try and run”
Justin Bieber takes on the challenging role.

Reviews of T.V Shows in Twenty Words or Less

2011-10-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

Ice Road Truckers
Get some goddamn salt already.

Project Runway
Tim Gunn is to Gay as Rodney King is to Fuck Up.

The X Factor
American The Voice Idol Got Talent. Hello!

Millionaire Matchmaker
Needs to modernize to reflect the times "Horny Bankrupt HasBeens"

CSI
The Latest:
"M-I-C-K-E-Y we found traces of ear hair in the bloody tub M-O-U-S-E Cincinnati"

Confessions of an Animal Hoarder
Animal excrement as eco flooring. I should have thought of that.
Dog The Bounty Hunter
What no K-Mart line of fashion designed by the wife?

Survivor
In desperate Ipod Shuffle mode of every winner and loser there ever was.

The Biggest Loser
Where is "The Biggest Gainer" featuring insecure anorexics gaining a quarter ounce.

Celebrity ReHab
Scott Baio's agent pleads with him to become an addict to jump start his career.

Any Housewives of Any City
Where is "Ya hey dere bitches of Fargo"

The Producer

2011-09-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

I had thought those days were over. The days when one producer would read my script and then call up another producer and and ask is this guy funny and the other producer would say yes he is. And then the original producer would say “You’re right I think he is hysterical” I thought those days were over. But like a thick headed addict though the years I kept pecking away, with an occasional email query to a friend in the business; including a local producer transplanted from Los Angeles.
I contantly sent him material until one day I found myself in a local New Buffalo Michigan watering yuppized hole with a slick graphic of a dog on the sign in front.
This producer had a “project” for me. At 51 I still conveyed that eager beaver give me a chance crap. How many horror stories do you need to hear before the bright eyed and bushey tailed routine gives way to used brillo pads rubbing off tatoos of motorcycling riding cupids. How much of a fucking hope addict can one be? Look The “Intervention” should take place not for the drug addict, the intervention should be for that Hallmark crack, called Hope, you peddle inside yourself as you rapidly decay from your quest for contentment .
Much to my amazement I couldn’t stop with the “Gee I really appreciate a shot at this”“Gee. “ Isn’t that a word Eddie Haskell used with Mr. and Mrs Cleaver before he was shooting gay porn five years later.I’m beginning to think I’m the type that would just go out and try and to stage an “Up With People concert’ in a concentration camp.
This is the Midwest. We don’t trust anything that doesn’t grow in the ground. This producer grew up here. He must be different, grounded so to speak. He pulls up in Black Hummer with the vanity plates “T.V writer.”And fuck. He has perfect teeth. The first thing out of his mouth is Joel“I’m up to 200 squats a week now.”
Oh cmon you know those moments where life writes so much better satire than you ever possibly could you want to say why bother? And the next thing out of mouth is “To hell with the six pack I’m going for the case.”Again life you bastard, I could never write that. I mutter something about I think I’ll stick with abdominal jello mold down there and I get a nervous smile.

He starts pulling the cute teenage waitresses aside. “Darlene You should know this guy. He’s a brilliant writer” I got a big smile from her and an “Impressive’ That is just plain good. Dangle nymphos in front of you and feed your very hungry man ego.
Tactic #1 in the producer handbook. Combine cute young girls with flattery about your talent. I was familiar with these tactics and I thought I learned my lesson years earlier in my brush with Hollyrock. I had signed with the agency who had the hot receptionist offer to take me to an upcoming movie premier.. My alternative was to sign with incredibly obnoxious guy who would always yell in office “Calendar, calendar” and his assistant would come running. Thank god I didn’t go with him, what a fucking loser this guy Ari Emmanuel was. He wasn’t going anywhere. Nice call on my part.

No I had learned. I had learned so well that on my way to the bathroom I ran into the waitress and asked for her phone number and I’m guessing from the phone call I made to her the next day only three of the numbers she gave me were wrong.
You know how there’s geologic time. How things take place over billions of years? I am working on geologic stupidity. You make the same mistake for millions of years, so much so that your own personal evolution works backwards and you’re a goddamn ape before you even made it to your bar mitzvah.
Best case scenario: I become some wildly bearded esoteric astronomer of geological stupidity and have some theories and insights into the origin of the “Big Dumb.” Worse case I find my continually find myself in a Chicago alley on a Saturday night yelling how my girlfriend is fucking with my mind.
The producer now starts to tell me despite his millions how he’s a regular guy. “You and I Joel are no different.” How he recently got back from a trip to France where his best friend of his built an underground ice rink under, yes under a lake. An ice skating rink under a lake and me well I am trying to decide if it’s a throw caution to the wind kind of night and do Tuna Helper instead of Hamburger Helper. I guess he had that no matter how deep you engage, admire, embrace the decadence; if you pretend you have distance, it is not you. Of course you are as much what you claim you aren’t as you are.
The next thing I know I’m at home staring at the pilot. I'm terrified to open it. Don’t ruin this with flatulent predicatability of reality. I suspect it will be such drivel I will need to cover it in a special vomit proof cover. But you know what I could be wrong. I usually am.
The first sentence“Ted is a the good looking captain of the football team” Wait, wait this could be that perfect set up for satire. Don’t prejudge.
2. Alice is an ambitious journalist who runs the school paper who flirts with Ted. Son of a bitch!
3. Together they solve crimes but not before some wonderful musical performances.
I wish I knew the Kaddish the Jewish somber prayer for the dead. Some of the most somber words ever written.
This is fucking Scooby Doo meets Glee. He wants me to try a write an episode for Scooby Glee. Scooby Glee. 51 and I’m trying to write an episode for Scooby Glee. Well you have to hand it to life. 51 and trying to write an episode for Scooby Glee. I couldn’t make that up.
In the equilibrium of all things, in the mathematics of all things explained it’s this
Eddie Haskell doing gay porn= Joel trying to write an episode of Scooby Glee squared.
Now I am not proud. I have no artistic pretension or creative integrity. I’m the biggest pimp to wit to ever walk the earth. But I literally could never write this. I couldn’t think this way. I didn’t have the ability and I was grateful. An epiphany. Not the Michael Angelo sixteenth chapel fingers touching stuff, more like hearing the symphony in the water that settles after the toilet flush. I went from “could I be anymore pathetic” to the uplifting strength of embracing my severe and profound limitations. Somehow there is such strange comfort in knowing the only real character I’m capable of creating is the character of myself. I’ll take solitary in my narcissistic prison any old day.

How as A Miserable Person I Become Happy When the Chicago Cubs Lose

2010-08-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

In this complex world of “static kills” and aerial wolf hunting politicians with potential brother in laws named Levi, there is one refreshing constant, the Chicago Cubs losing record.

The heartbreak of psoriasis seems like a full body massage in relation to watching them squander a 5 run eighth inning lead. It’s a thing of tragic beauty.
If you ever have an identity crisis “Who am I?” Then catch the Cub score.
“Oh yeah now I remember”
If you feel you’ve accomplished nothing in life, that you are just killing time eating sandwiches waiting for a terminal illness, granted with the comfort of multiple movie channels, you can’t help but to feel considerably better about your lack of life when you consider the hundred year plus drought of the Chicago cubs not winning a World Series.
It’s the sports equivalent of the 1930’s dust bowl. A blue pin stripe dust bowl with young men called up from Iowa and fly balls lost in ivy walls.

If misery loves company then the North Siders are like the guest that never leaves.
I don’t think of myself as unemployed my job is to watch them walk in the winning run.
My job is to witness the joyful side of the loveable losers.

No accident their web site is littered with ads for the lottery. You and I both know where the odds are better.
They are currently 15 games under 500. This is the emotional equivalent of crying during an anti depression commercial.
Maybe those commercials should really say, you don’t need drugs if you are feeling bad just turn to channel 9 around 1 in the afternoon.
Yet the team changed hands last year for nearly a billion dollars.
I wonder if would they be worth less if they won.
If they are sacrificial lambs on the field to make us feel better about ourselves off the field, well they do a fine job. The Chicago Cubs “the feel bad hence feel good hit of the year"

Not Things That Make You Go Hmmm But Things That Make You Go What The Fuck

2010-06-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

One moment your playing baseball as a kid and you’re running the bases in slow motion and the next moment you’re waiting for biopsy results, Not things that make you go hmmm but things that make you go what the fuck.

Your 16 and your told you can do anything you want, the world is your Pre BP oil spill oyster but before you know it you’re spending your time and energy plotting ways to get some frustrated editor to take five minutes to read something of yours which by the time they finally do you realize is not that important or worth your ridiculous persistence.
But as they read they chip their tooth on their macadamia nut brittle and they reject and curse everything you have ever written cause your name immediately reminds them of root canal. Not things that make you go hmmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

You skip and laugh, all excited, taking your allowance to the drug store to buy some penny candy. Your biggest pressure in life is which candy to buy.
Now that penny candy cost you thousands in diabetes treatments and your allowance comes in the form of medicare which you travel down to the mailbox in your hoveround swearing at every piece of gravel you encounter on the way there.
Not things that make you go hmmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

On television people are dancing and jumping up in the air from the joy of buying cars.
Now on television 300 pd nasty looking guys with tattoos wrestle you to the ground to as you try and stop them repossessing those same cars, not things that make you go hmmm,things that make you go what the fuck.

One second the woman you live with is “muffin, wuffin, love and light of my life” have you seen that magic wand I change the channels with
Then its hey you who has the ass of some goddamn weird shaped baking product, have you seen the fucking remote .
Not things that make you hmmm, things that make you go what the fuck.

Your 21 you tilt your head towards the and the sky is full of a million stars with the depth of possibility and the wonder of other worlds, 20 years later and after you barely manage to get out of car at night wrestling with chronic back pain you tilt your pulled muscle head its not to examine the heavens but activate your motion sensitive lights that blare out the stars like a suburban nuke..
Not things that make you go hmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

One moment you’re a treasure hunter looking for gold and fossils by the creek
then you’re in a ragged t shirt and dentures with a metal detector looking for nickles in the mud. Not things that make you go hmmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

Best Ways to Plug the Oil Spill

2010-05-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

Have Paul Bunyan take Viagra and plug it with his four hour erection.

Make it a team project for Sharon Osbourne and Barbara Streisand in “Oil Spill Apprentice “

Dump a million nascar beer koozies in there.

Have one of the well enhanced women from a Go Daddy commercial reach down to pick up a gold medallion off the ocean floor

Tell Kanye West that Taylor Swift is getting a MTV award at the site of the spill and he will show up and all his bling will plug the hole.

Convince Studio executives to do a film about teenage oil sucking vampires.

Let BP executives explain the oil leak is not as bad if viewed with 3D glasses

The Tiger Woods Paradox How Hookers Could Become Mother Theresa's.

2010-02-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

If every time a very rich high profile celebrity scewed up (so to speak) they would have to give half their life's savings to the World Hunger Project we would not only forgive them we would commend them. In fact we would hope for them to fuck up.
Think about it wouldn't you like to see Tiger fuck everybody in sight if it resulted in saving thousands upon thousands of children.
This is a new kind of reverse morality that deals with the reality that people make mistakes. They will always make mistakes but if they receive hundreds of millions of dollars for being held to a different standard, take that money and do good with it. In that sense hookers are all really Mother Theresa's.

The Indictment Party

2010-02-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

Illinois has produced an articulate extremely intelligent President but now I think its time to go back to our roots.
Its time for the creation of a new party that embraces our long history and tendency towards corruption. This party, well lets call it “the Indictment” party.
Qualified candidates must have a class 1 felony and be at least under investigation for one count of racketeering.
If there are any real names on the petitions of registered voters, the candidates will be immediately disqualified.
This party will give a face to the prostitutes, not hide them away.
The press secretaries for the candidates must be investigative reporters looking into things like where did the money go for blue jean day.
For the indictment party to accuse is to show you care.

The state of the union will be delivered behind bars. The state license plate would feature a graphic of a prisoner making the state license plate.

The wives of candidates will stand by their men through thick and thin and only be allowed to divorce the men if they are faithful and don’t cheat on them.
A special press conference might go a little like this
complete with a tear strewn face the wife musters the courage to speak:
“In the Fall of 2008 I have learned my husband did not sleep with anyone but me. For myself, my children and the good of the party I have no choice but to leave him.
I believed in the promiscuity of the women of Argentina but they have let me down and more importantly have let you, the voters down.”

All bids submitted to the government agencies must be transparent and posted on the internet and by transparent I mean-
Yes the bids must contain why they should be allowed to make the buses, but more importantly who will get the kickbacks and the kickbacks must be earmarked for further corrupt activities like opening a chain of massage parlors, then blackmailing the alderman who frequent them.
For the indictment party “Pay it sleazy” replaces “Pay It Forward”

New Excuses Jon Edwards Has for His Behavior

2010-02-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

His girlfriend was an avatar he needed to sleep with so he could save the world from a band of cheating nymphomaniacs.

The sex tape was made to raise money for the Haiti earthquake victims and we’ll be released with his upcoming feel good song“We fuck the world”

He wore a pink ribbon while he slept with the woman to raise money for his wife’s breast cancer.

In addition to lewd sex acts he also discusses the dangers of global warming on the tape.

Kanye West Swears He Owns Illegal Guns

2009-10-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

Upset about all the publicity Lil Wayne is getting after the illegal gun charges Kanye West is stepping forward.
At a recent press conference Kanye rambled and spouted:
"I own several guns, none of which are registered. Pull me over I dare you.
The police are scared of me. I thought for sure my "My Other Gun Isnt legally Registered Either" bumper sticker would make me a player.
Hell I eat .40-calibre semi-automatic's for breakfast.
In fact when I interrupted Taylor Swift I was packing. I really wanted to say Beyonce's firearms are the best but I didnt want to get her in trouble.
And you know when Plaxico Burris accidentally shot himself.
That was my gun in his pants and no he wasn't just happy to see me.
I supply most of the hip hop and rapper world with their pieces.
You see I'm a firm believer in gun control. There are lots of guns and I control them."

Republicans Claim Dems Considering Public vs Private Euthanasia Option

2009-10-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

In what is being called scare tactics some Republican senators claim the Democrats are considering giving the public choice of Euthanasia options.
A little know Republican Wyoming senator pointed out this may put private Euthanasia entities out of business. "We need to create an even playing field even if we are burying people under that field"

New Reality show to Feature Publicity Stunts for New Reality Show

2009-10-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

In the lastest life imitates art imitating life imitating a parakeet imitating life Fox has announced a new reality show, "Reality Shmeeality" that features everyday joe Sixpacks and Betty 24 packs who stage elaborate hoaxes in the hope of getting on the air.
Inspired by the recent balloon fiasco some of the stories in development include a young boy who has fallen down a hole in the factory where they make the "Clapper" and all the workers clap out songs to find him including "Day Tripper" and "Yellow submarine" on loan from the Michael Jackson catalog. He is eventually found by a young Mexican worker clapping out the Macarena and it turns out the worker is illegal and is profiled on 48 Hours "Whose Job is it Anyways?"
Another scenario has octomom taking a snorkeling trip and fighting for the rites to saltwater with Octopus (a jelly verterbrae'd fish) with triplet tentacles on the way. Octomom is eventually overtaken by SpongeBobSquarePants who forces out Octomom in a dress design competition.

Obama Receives Oscar

2009-10-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

The Academy gave the President an Oscar in "one of the most admirable and respected films yet to be made."
The Academy went on to say "We know how skilled he will be when he hits the silver screen and this is a vote of confidence that he will beat out Hugh Jackman and Leonardo DiCaprio as well as Jack Nicholson's gritty comeback vehicle."

Real Reasons Chicago Didn't Get The Olympics

2009-10-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

Real Reasons Chicago Didn’t Get the Olympics:

During the Presentation all the Chicago delegates were chewing on toothpicks.

The logo of the Beefy Ribs encapsulating the city didn’t cut it.

The Olympic committee wasn’t impressed by the video showing a flaming arrow lighting up the giant Foam Finger of the Number 1

The five Olympic ring of Deep Dish Pizza was too heavy on the sausage.

Mayor Daley gave each of the Olympic Voting members a GAF Viewmaster
to present his vision of the future.

The video of how the lakefront might appear in 2016 including Man eating Asian carp.

The Chicago delegation just assumed dead members of the Olympic committee would be part of the voting.

In a quest to match the color and passion of the Brazilian dancer’s presentation, the Chicago committee left the actual peacock on their festive headdress of feathers.

The Olympic voting committee didn’t bite on their competitive slogan
“Chicago: We put the Carny in Carnivale.”

New Strain of Chim Chimney H1N2 Chimney Flue Spreads

2009-09-19T11:53:00.001-07:00

Chim, Chimney, Chim Chimney H1N2 has been turning up in rural areas across the country. The virus is created while making smores in cozy cabins and simultaneously watching Mary Poppins.
"The graham crackers, chocolate and vision of a flying nanny all blend to confuse cells to the point of virulent Hell" said Chimney Sweep and Immunologist Johnny Vasclowitz.
He went on to add "A transfusion of creasote with a I.V marshmellow drip
seems to be the only cure."
Scientists are hard at work to find a vaccine to fight the strain.
"We are getting some early good results with soot DNA. Also we are synthesizing the essence of weenies on sticks and getting some encouraging results." We just hope it doesnt mutate into something we can't get our arms around"
People infected often find themselves vomiting and singing at the same time and experience the need to buy several umbrellas.
This new strain of flu is not to be confused with the R2D2 Star Wars strain of flu reported to be planted by Lucas Studios.

Existensialist Movement Revived by Obama Health Care Debate

2009-08-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

With the Obama administration insisting private companies cover "pre-existing conditions" Existensialism is enjoying a new found popularity.
"Not only is your current existence meaningless but before you even existed there still existed a lack of any meaning whatsoever. The fact that governments wants to address this says existensialism is now mainstream" says Helmut Stutgard, philosopher who is homeless but survives the streets of Berlin selling his Schnitzel art.
Stutgard went on to add that "God in fact may not even be dead but faking it to eliminate any costly Death Panel debates"

Republicans Fight Health Care Reform with Popular Country Songs

2009-08-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Striking a chord in middle America, Republicans have hired country western stars to rewrite popular country western songs to fight the Obama Health Care plan.
Some of the new songs include:
"Grandma got run over by A Reindeer Hired by a Death Panel."
"She has Betty Davis Eyes, Literally thats all she could afford."
"Doctor Doctor give me the news I have a bad case of the Government Option Blues."
"Jesus Take the Wheel and Please Run Some Errands for Me, I'm in a Line Around the Block Waiting for Basic Health Care."

Auto Neurotic Asphyxiation

2009-06-23T11:07:00.001-07:00

I’m sure many of you have heard about David Carridines death by what is most likely auto erotic asphyxiation. With a jewish mother I have to wonder what would upset her more plain old suicide or accidental death by masturbation. I think the latter would be more upsetting because she might for a second say my god the catholics were right it is a sin.
Course in my case it would more likely be auto neurotic asphyxiation where Im suffocated to death by my worries. See I don’t need any rope applied to strategic places or cellophane bags.
Eventually I’m so overwhelmed by my worries I cannot breathe; therefore I have no sexual desire whatsoever and I feel completely satisfied.
For me its all about heightening the intensity of my worries. There are several techniques used:
Like listening to my familys latest problems.
“Joel Your sister is a manic depressive, your brother a borderline schizophrenic and your dad was depressed the last ten years of his life.”
I like to turn the lights down low I can lay out my overdraft notices on the satin bedspread.
What often works for me as an aphrodisiac is examining the six month old expired presccription of Viagra.
Or Light a candle by the bathtub and check the latest stock market quotes in a severe recession.
Or ask my girlfriend how she feels about me and listen to the silence, the awkard terrible silence. You know the crickets chirping. At least you want to know how the crickets feel about you.
Instead of talking dirty I can get off hearing her tell me how disgusting my living conditions are.
One sure method for arousal is to check the internet for the 18 fatal diseases that perfectly fit my symptoms.
At this point I am such a quivering, frightened mess, well I feel good. I feel manly.
After my twelve days of recuperation in the local sanitarium Im already thinking about the next round of auto neurotic asphyxiation.

Obama Endorses "Ronco OathMaster 2000"

2009-01-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

Coming off an embarassing foul up while taking the Presidential Oath, the President made his first commercial endorsement for the OathMaster 2000
which electronically renews his oath of office every 72 hours.
"In this time, in this moment I covered my ass, thanks Ronco" the President told the country.
The product works through phone lines "Press 1 if you do solemnly swear" or on a computer as an automatic "refresh" to the oath.
A spokesman for the Company was enthusiastic.
"We can't wait till 2012 till we have a shot at a another sale"

Last Minute Inauguration Recipes including "Yes We Clams"

2009-01-17T11:52:00.000-08:00

Cheney Back Ribs and Much much more.

http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/inauguration_recipes_MP3.mp3

Half Ton Palooza

2009-01-17T06:31:00.000-08:00

What happens when you watch back to back "Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Mom, Half Ton Dad"
http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/half_ton_MP3.mp3

Ronco Presents "Great Thinkers of All Time"

2009-01-17T06:29:00.000-08:00

Fat Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity, DesGroceryCartes, plus Neitzsche for children.
http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/ronco_presents_great_thinkers_MP3.mp3

Chopped Seweycide Hotline

2008-12-31T10:22:00.000-08:00

What happens when a suicide hotline becomes crossed with a Chinese Take-Out Restaurant.
http://spentcattle.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=417809

Tasteless Copycat Ponzie Schemes include "Fonzie Investor scam"

2008-12-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

With the Madoff Ponzie scheme possibly ripping off investors for 50 Billion dollars several tasteless copycat schemes are emerging including A "Fonzie investor scam" where an overage guy dressed up in leather saying "Aaayy" convinces you of double digit return on credit derivatives.
Another cheat sells you mortgages on Florida swampland that ironically turn out to be worth more than Miami condos.

Conspiracy Theories Abound About Shoe Throwing Incident

2008-12-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

People are already circulating theories about what they consider the "real story" behind the Iraqi shoe thrower.
There is allegedly a "Shoe"pruder' film that shows 4 shoes thrown from different angles but two were intercepted by Secret Service Agents. Other people cling to the "single Odor Eater trajectory theory." While still others point to the ten sox found abandonned on the desert knoll as suggesting something greater at work here.
Some people are citing reports that the Iraqi journalist was trained at a comfortable footwear terrorist camp.
Another theory believes the whole thing was staged to try and win first prize on America's Funniest Videos but the President decided he would try and make it real to gain sympathy. A spinoff theory also claimed Dick Cheney shot a hunting buddy in the foot at the same time.
While still others point out there that if you take the film of the hurling shoes and put in super mo one shoe spun nine times and the other eleven times in addition the incident took place at 9:11 Iraqi time

"A Very Blagojevich Xmas"

2008-12-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

Blagoyovitch_Xmas_MP3.mp3

Bush To Add Troops To Iraq To Fight Leather Uppers of Mass Destruction

2008-12-15T05:35:00.001-08:00

After the President had two shoes hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter President Bush authorized sending 500,000 more troops to Iraq to "find and weed out the leather uppers of mass destruction"
The Secretary of Defense is looking into arming the troops with Kevlar shoehorns.

Illinois To Change State Seal to Eagle Behind Bars

2008-12-11T05:36:00.000-08:00

With three of the last six governors imprisoned on corruption charges the State of Illinois has decided to place prison bars in front of the bald eage that graces the official State Seal.
The state is also considering putting a key in the eagles mouth which it could drop to the incarcerated officials as a symbol of freedom.
There are also plans to change its license plate slogan from "Land of Lincoln" to "Live Free or Behind Bars Whichever Comes First."

Blagojevich Rewrites "Fucking Golden" Rule

2008-12-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

The governor/philosopher Ron Blagojevich has put out a timely pamphlet "Try to Sell Onto Others as Others Try to Sell You What's Rightfully Yours"
The Governor interrupted his busy schedule to go out and film a Public Service Announcement "Let go of My Blago" the interaction of waffles and sexual molestation in prison.

Blagojevich Offered Senate Seat on Ebay

2008-12-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

Going by the alias of seller "blagdollarovich" the governor was hoping to get a multi-million dollar bid by an ambitious rich person. The bidding got up to three hundred thousand by "corruptdude" and "sleezywheezy" before ebay yanked the auction.

Auto Executives Try Old Sales Tactics for Bailout Money

2008-12-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

Rick Wagoner started his plea for an emergency aide with “Whats it gonna take to get you behind this 25 billion bailout roadster”
He then went on to say enthusiastically “today everybody gets bailed out. I wont even run a credit check on the U.S government."
And if he got the bailout money by the end of the day he would personally throw in a free rust coating of the aging U.S infrastructure.
The Ford CEO offered full blue book trade in value on the old bailout proposal.

GM Ceo Says He has To Run Any Bailout Offers by His Regional Manager

2008-12-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

GM Ceo Rick Wagoner informed congress that any bailout package offered to GM is contigent on acceptance by his regional manager who just happens to be in the office today.
He may tell me okay "only cash, no credit and it has to happen in the next two hours"

Disney to Offer "Pirates off The African Coast" Cruises

2008-12-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

In the if you can beat em join em school of vacation packages, The Disney company has announced a series of new cruises where actual pirates hijack the cruise boat, hold you captive and terrorize you for the entire one week cruise.
You have a choice of different terror packages including “late night dinner seating with machete held to your neck”
Or “High Seas Musical 4” in which Somali 8 year olds with machine guns get you to dance.
The cost of the cruise does not include any additional ransom charges.

Bush Trampled to Death in Race to Leave White House

2008-12-01T06:53:00.000-08:00

After hearing all the upcoming after Xmas bargains and lucrative consulting contracts, the White House staff accidentally trampled the 43rd President to death.
“They had a Samsung 52 inch plasma for under $1500. When you shoot a guys face off it looks like you are there actually shooting a guys face off “ said an excited Cheney.
"I heard I could get $100,000 an appearance and I don’t know what came over me. I just couldn’t get out of there fast enough” said a stunned Condoleeza Rice.
Due to tough economic times The President will be laid to rest in Costco coffin.

Paulson Discovers He Can Fold Over The Tarp and Double the Bailout

2008-11-26T06:23:00.000-08:00

In a startling revelation Treasury Secretary Paulson awoke in the middle of the night and realized by folding over the TARP he could double the bailout package plus carry leaves at the same time.
After some warm milk Mr. Paulson, in desperate search for paper, scribbled an idea on the back of an Egg Beater's carton. "If I gave the people plastic ponchos maybe that would stimulate consumer spending"

Jewish Screen Actors 'Gelt' Decides Not To Strike

2008-11-24T06:11:00.000-08:00

Breaking ranks with their breathren, the organized group of Jewish actors decided it was wrong to interrupt their work at this important time of year. Chanukah re-enactments and 'CSI Miami Collins Ave' are just hitting their strides. Plus the hot new cop show "Law and Menorah" which features detectives infiltrating street gangs by lighting candles and singing israeli folk songs, is just hitting its stride.
The 'Gelt' is also excited about the buzz around the vigilantee thriller "D.D.D.I.M.Y.O.O.C.A.N.Y.W.P. "
"Dradle, Dradle, Dradle, I Made You Out of Clay And Now You Will Pay"

Candidate Accidentally Euthanized During "Vetting" Process

2008-11-22T06:15:00.000-08:00

Little known congressman Gus Rabidowitz (Independent-Vermont) was being examined for the post of the Secretary of the Interior.
After being de-wormed and de-clawed Mr. Rabidowitz was put under to have his teeth cleaned and answer some important questions on radical past involvements with PETA . Apparently Obama administration officials administerred the anasthetic (i.e truth serum) for the equivalent of a two hundred pound german Shepard and put Mr. Rabidowitz to sleep forever, but not before disqualifying him for a cabinet post.
Obama people claim his hip displexia and leftist views were so extreme that they did Mr. Rabidowitz a favor.

Emergency Bank Bail Out Plan to Turn Banks Into Iron and Shape Them Like a Pig

2008-11-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

One of the new bank bailout plans being considered by the Obama administration includes converting the banks to iron and shaping them like a giant pig.
The Obama official elaborated on the beauty of the plan:
"How much credit derivative exposure could a giant iron pig have?
If foreign banks decide to pull their money out of the U.S the giant iron pig might show up on their doorstep in which FDIC and treasury officials might hide and run amok when unnoticed.
Plus there would be no muslim money laundering in a trife shaped institution.
And If the banks fail we could melt down the iron which might be able to cover the worth of the deposits."

Brokerage Companies To Make 401 K Statements Out of Smelling Salts

2008-11-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

So now when you look at the statement and pass out your loved ones can run the statement beneath your nose to revive you.
Other possibilities being looked at by investment firms include a free 401 K defibrillator when your account falls below a certain value to shock you back into poverty; as well as the option of the firm to change your 401 K to a KKK statement to so enrage you, you focus on the racism and forget about your depressing finances.

Obama Deals with Joe "Fredo" Lieberman

2008-11-19T04:59:00.000-08:00

Despite backing John McCain, Barack Obama has forgiven Joe Lieberman and let Lieberman retain leadership of his committee. Obama made clear to his aides that nothing should happen to Joe Lieberman while Barack is in office. After that Obama will personally see to it that Lieberman takes a nice fishing trip out in a private lake.

Yes We Coin

2008-11-18T04:58:00.000-08:00

Already there is a Barack Obama coin. The "Inaugural Dollar" layered in 24K gold is already being offered by a lesser known late night mint. Outraged Republicans are already calling it "a sign of the socialist state. What kind of nation would put its President on its currency" and wondering when you flip it " if it's heads on one side and a terrorist pal on the other"
The Dollar Coin does come with a certificate of authenticity signed by Joe The Plumber.

Palin "I Have Been Offered Millions to Publish My Armoires"

2008-11-17T05:37:00.000-08:00

Speaking at a press conference Palin went on to elaborate
"We are looking at all kinds of book deals including Highlights magazine
where the kids could hear my inspirational story, dress Sarah Palin and try and find their way out of a maze all at the same time."
Also reportedly on the table we are lucrative flip picture book offers where Sarah guts a moose, blows up an abortion clinic and drills in her friends backyards, all the while winking.
She denied rumors of writing a scathing look at Obama entitled "Some of My Best Friends Are Terrorists."

Palin Calls RNC "Aerial Wolfe Hunters in Sheep's Clothing"

2008-11-13T06:07:00.001-08:00

Showing the stress of a rigorous campaign Palin went onto add "The Republican National Committee was so eager to dress me and have people salivate over me but couldn't stand the heat so they need to get out of the kitchen and in the kitchen they need to cook onto others as others cook onto you. But silence is golden."
None the less this hasn't stopped Palin's future plans for a line of clothing
"Ya hey dere" which features blue jeans made of tundra, belts made from gun parts and petroleum based tube tops.

General Motor Unveils Their Car of the Future the “Obsolete”.

2008-11-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

General Motor unveils their car of the future the “Obsolete”.
Deciding to embrace their weaknesses rather than deny them General Motors showed off their new model currently in production.
A spokesman for the company boasted about some of the features
"The Obsolete’s interior is designed like a giant cup holder since that seemed to be the biggest concern of consumers. We felt beverage ergonomics was more important than leg room.
It does get terrible mileage but more importantly your ipod does work in the gas tank if you accidentally drop it in there while refueling.
Gm plans to have the Obsolete in showrooms just around the time they file for bankruptcy. But the spokesman was quick to add the new prototype for the “We’re Fucked’ sedan and convertible will make its debut at the January Auto show.

General Motors To Buy Back Their Common Stock with Change Found In-between The Seats

2008-11-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

The company is asking employees to help its sagging stock price by using the change underneath and in-between seats of their GM cars to buy the common stock of the company.
“When you have to ask yourself Mickey D’s dollar menu or major ownership in GM please choose the later,” begged the contact in charge of investor relations.
This comes after the failed “Help GM Kids and Stock” displays in laundry mats didn’t bring in anticipated revenues.

Bin Laden's Son To Star in New Reality Show "So You Think You can Live Here'

2008-11-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

After being denied entry into Egypt, the third country to reject the so called "Ambassador of Peace" Omar Osama bin Laden held a press conference to announce he has signed a contract with the makers of "Survivor" to star in a new show "So You Think You can Live Here" in which the controversial figure seeks asylum in countries around the world by performing special dance moves native to that country.
Each week the leaders of major nations will have to decide whether to vote him off the planet or let him live in their country for one week until the next show airs. The Bush Administration has already circulated a memo warning officials not to fall for his macarana moves however adorable they may be.

Hobo Futures Soar After Unemployment Report

2008-11-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

After this mornings dismal November Unemployment Report
the hobo futures trading floor "is frenetic, limit up" according to Sid "Find Me a Home" Stein. Mr. Stein continued "I took everything I had (which was nothing) and bet that the value of the homeless would increase or decrease depending on your perspective. This leaves me where I began homeless."
added Mr. Stein before leaving the trading floor to hop the 8:08 Freight Train to Kankakee.

New York Times Publishes "No Exit" Polls

2008-11-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

In its never ending quest to be erudite and parade its intelligence to the nth degree, the
York Times published ‘No exit’ polls taken on Election day.
Some of the highlights included:
15% said they had no faith in the future and they were suffocating on their past.
Of whites with a college education 35% realized nothing could change the unalterable weight of their mortality and most spent five hours in the voting booth staring at the senseless fluorescent lighting of the white void .
Of those making over $100,000, 50% voted to descend into the plus leather nothingness of a New Infinity.

Republicans Claim Scientific Proof Democratic Tears of Joy Last Night Were Elitist Tears

2008-11-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

After electing the first black american to office and revitalizing their hopes Democrats and millions of people cried for hours last night
Republicans got a hold of those tears and have had them scientifically analyzed. They claim their composition yielded the following results:
20% Jamba juice
20% Harvard law review
20% Ionized Purified Belgian Spring water
20% The Amalgamated 1005 Elitist Union Refrigerator magnets
20% Yes We Can Oil of Cloves

Obama Once the Devil But Redistributed His Horns

2008-11-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

Reaching for whatever these days the McCain camp claims Obama was once the devil but did in fact redistribute his horns to less fortunate devils.
Said one McCain spokesman "Millions of Americans share the Satanic dream of ruling darkness with modest projections from their head and Senator Obama wants to ruin this."

McCain Camp Claims Obama the Illegitimate Son of Joe and Eugene McCarthy

2008-11-02T05:38:00.000-08:00

As part of its 'anything goes' strategy, the McCain camp now claims Obama's gay Fathers were in fact Joe McCarthy, the man who made a living bringing down alleged communists and Eugene McCarthy, the former ultra liberal who ran for President.
The McCain aide went on to elaborate "Any affiliation with Joe McCarthy even as his son makes me believe the child was under suspicion for questionable unpatriotic activities. The fact one of his gay fathers was an ultra liberal I believe says it all."

McCain tries to capitalize on "Bernice The Exterminator"

2008-10-22T05:33:00.000-07:00

Desperate to throw out anything and everything at this point that may help his campaign McCain is citing an Obama conversation with a woman, Bernice Obromovitch, who owns a pest control business in Florida.
McCain addressed the press"Bernice, the exterminator whose simple dream was to rid Floridians of silverfish under an Obama administration would have to serve as a pest control woman in Afganistan to make ends meet.
This is not the America that I know. Clearly Obama's socialist leanings are putting cockroaches first"

'Touched by an Angel" Producers to Debut "Mauled by the Markets"

2008-10-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

In this version Mr and Mrs Joe Six pack will have fatal heart attacks after opening their 401 K statements but then be revived by wingless angels (they had to sell their wings to meet margin calls)

Handbasket in Which World is Going to Hell In Sold Off on Ebay

2008-10-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

The handbasket in which the world is going to Hell in received a final bid of $2.98 recently on ebay. There were hopes it would fetch several billion dollars which could have been used to prevent the world from going to Hell. This only further exacerbates the current despair
The lovely wicker display was bought by an eighty year old woman in South Dakota who said she would put it on her mantle right next to a collection she recently purchased of all the world's pots to piss in.
She likes to tell all her neighbors you may not have a pot to piss in but I do.

Obama Pal'ing Around With Barney, Purple Dinosaur Terrorist

2008-10-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

The latest Sarah Palin accusation is that Barack Obama once posed in a picture with Barney, the Purple Dinosaur terrorist.
Palin explained "Everyone knows Barney killed off all the other dinosaurs."
Palin was quick to add "Ya hey dere you don't see any other dinosaurs on the scene do you now."

401-K Plans to Change Name to 'K'

2008-09-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

With the recent stock market plunge and decimation of 401k accounts, many brokerage houses are now changing the names of the retirement account to just "K" since most accounts are roughly worth 1000 dollars. Some clients at Merrill Lynch are opting for 12 boxes of Special K in exchange for the financial assets.

Palin to Watch Several Episodes of the Cartoon "Bullwinke" to Prepare For the Upcoming Debate

2008-09-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

Palin justified spending her precious time watching cartoons in a recent statement:
"Boris and Natasha were thinly veiled Russians chasing a moose. Here in Alaska we can relate to this central metaphor of failed cartoon diplomacy, okay maybe not so much a metaphor since I have personally seen from my patio several Russians chasing a moose. "

Hank Paulson to Appear on Wheaties Box

2008-09-25T11:58:00.000-07:00

Hank Paulson, the chief architect of the Federal Bailout Program will be honored by appearing on an upcoming Wheaties box. The box will contain two coupons that can be redeemed for equity ownership in major banks.
"We want to make it quite clear that we are not including the milk in this deal" said a beaming Mr. Paulson

Palin Bailout Plan includes Exchanging Moosepelts For Credit Derivatives

2008-09-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Minimizing the impact of the stock market crash Sarah Palin unveiled a bailout plan today that would take the credit derivatives of Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs and trade them for moose pelts.
"Think of them as financial instruments with fur. These were the currency of our Alaskan forefathers. They must have known something."

Google To Offer Blog'oscopy

2008-09-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

For those who believe their external observations, random witticisms, and sensitive personal stories aren’t enough, giant Internet Firm Google will allow you to blog “what’s going on” with your internal organs.
The strategicly placed webcam will let people know what you are up to, dissect your political beliefs while checking for polyps.
New features include “colon sharing”
“liver as giver” (blood based wish lists)
As well as Comments from the pancreas.

New Improved Poligrip Helps Politicians Lie Through Their Teeth

2008-09-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

New Poligrip holds dentures and fixed perceptions in place, so politicians can lye through their teeth.
No kernels of corn or truth, will come between you and those aging men running for office.
There is no slippage with those silly complexities of issues made popular by apple eating liberals.
No oozing of facts.
New Poligrip forms a barrier that even the hot immigration debate can’t permeate.

ABC in Talks with Sarah Palin to star in "Fascists Housewives"

2008-09-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

A spokeman for ABC described it as a spin off of 'Desperate Housewives' except we will replace promiscuity with book burning and aerial wolf hunting.

Karl Rove to remake Famous 'Deliverance' Scene to "Squeal Like a Democrat"

2008-09-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

Capitalizing on the liptick on the pig furor Karl Rove has secured the rights to the film 'Deliverance' and plans via a 527 ad to dub the audio in the famous sodomy scene to “Squeal like a Democrat.”
“Go on squeal. Squeal. Squeal like a democrat.”
"I'm not sure on whether the sodomizer will be applying lipstick, we are running that idea before several focus groups" added Mr. Rove.
Rumors suggest that Todd Palin, may have a walk on part as one of the woodsman. His wife Sarah, the VP nominee, may have a cameo as a chained pit-bull.

"Die Harder So You Can Come Back as a Janitor"

2008-09-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

What if John MacClean/John McCain of "Die Hard" fame teamed up with Shirley MacClean of past lives therapy fame? Their next film might be "Die Harder So You Come Back as a Janitor"
http://spentcattle.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=292060

Sarah Palin Scores -450 On Celebrity Jeopardy After She Refuses to Put Her Answers in Question Form

2008-09-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

Palin defended her score “I’m under strict instructions not to answer any questions period and putting your answers in question form is just too close to answering a question. It seems like another liberal trick of the left wing media."
It’s reported that Palin later turned down a guest spot on “Whose Line is It Anyway?” adding “I refuse to take part in a show that celebrates Plagiarism.”

McCain's Emergency Housing Bailout Plan to Give Each Lower Income Family a House from the Game 'Monopoly'

2008-09-09T16:45:00.000-07:00

“Its not so much a piece of plastic to put over your head as it is a symbol of the American Dream. Plus if times get really tough you can mortgage it and get back half your investment which is in this case nothing.”
McCain went on to add that Sarah Palin does now indeed have foreign policy experience after landing several times on Baltic and Mediterranean Ave.

Suggestions for Bush to Secure Spot as Worse President in History

2008-09-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

I sure hope he doesn’t blow this rare opportunity:
Forget off shore drilling. Drill aggressively on the San Andreas fault so people can have natural gas right in their backyards.
Confuse the Timetable for the Troop Withdrawl in Iraq with an Amtrak timetable for D.C trains to Baltimore.
Set up a committee to establish waterboarding as a new Olympic sport for the 2012 games.
Endorse a new product ‘WMD 40’ that helps lubricate Weapons of Mass destruction.
Let Dick Cheney blow the faces off of the Presidents on Mt Rushmore by using a super big shotgun funded by the NRA.
Put up a giant volleyball net in-between the treacherous Pakistani Afghan border and challenge Al Quaida to a best two of out three match.
Take the hardline “we will do everything we need to be tough in Russia. We are going to “Razz” Putin"
Create new image for Freddie Mac by changing its name to Billy Jack.
Stage a Dirty Dancing Farewell party in the Oval office with Ryan Seacrest as the Host.

Sarah Palin claims Foreign Policy experience after replacing State Farm Insurance with Chinese Insurance.

2008-09-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

"I read the document cover to cover and now understand the diplomatic nuances of Szechwan collision vs Mongolian collision. I am also well versed in what’s considered a Sunni act of God vs a Shi’ite act of God, though I embrace neither God."

Sarah Palin Explains Whole New Way of Life entitled "Rec'Creationism"

2008-09-08T07:28:00.001-07:00

The Vice Presidential nominee explained further in an interview:

"The Lord intended for us to enjoy the outdoors.
First God created light to allow us to see while Aerial wolf hunting.
Then God put forth the ATV so we can chase down bears (one of his creatures) till they are exhausted and ready to die.
On the third day God put scopes on rifles to help us see where we can’t.
On the fourth day God created bowling to show us which Presidential candidates are strong and which candidates are weak.
On the fifth day God created the sea teeming with creatures and those creatures told us where to drill.
On the sixth day God created man and woman in 'her tight hugging camouflage pants' image.
On the seventh day God kicked back and had a cold one."

McCain Broad Housing Recovery Plan Allows Families To Live In Three of His Four Houses or Maybe Six of his Seven Houses, Whatever.

2008-09-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

McCain spoke to the National Economists Society “By allowing between 1 and 6 families with foreclosures depending on my latest residence count, to live in my houses we should make a significant dent in the housing problem.”

Palin To Woo Christ Killing Voting Block

2008-09-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin in a Miami Beach retirement home told reporters “I want to address the needs and concerns of these slayers of the Messiah. In addition to controlling the media and the International Monetary system we need them to make it to Washington.
John McCain and I are mavericks just as in Roman times the Jews were mavericks in crucifying the Son of God.
God Bless them."

Change, Change, Change, Change of Fools

2008-09-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

Where is Aretha Franklin when you need her?

John McCain aide says “6.1% record unemployment rate has good personality.”

2008-09-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

The McCain spokesman elaborated "It’s not about the fact more Americans than ever are out of work, the unemployed will decide their next president based on the “character and toughness” of those jobs that aren’t there. Some of those non existent jobs might have laid down their jobs for this country."

Sarah Palin To Change CSpan to C Section Channel if she Wins the White House

2008-09-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

"I have new bold plans for the media. Cspan is boring and does nothing to reinforce family values" says the never shy Sarah.
"A channel that features Ceaserean sections interspersed with Congressional hearings, that is the kind of America I want to live in."

Republicans and Democrats Working on Bipartisan bill to tell the truth

2008-09-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

The bill is tentatively entitled “America First and American Samoa second.”
Other titles being floated around include “The Bridge to Somewhere that is Truth and not Nowhere”
But neither party is hopeful their plan will make it even out of committee.
It is been stalled by filibusters and Dairy Queen’s Peanut Butter Parfait Busters up to now
So far both parties have agreed the plan would involve attaching lie detectors to their tongues whenever addressing the public.
In anticipation of the bill passing each party is searching for future presidential candidates that have had their tongues cut out.

Republicans to Shoot Down Balloons at End of Convention

2008-09-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

Thinking it may galvanize the NRA base the Republicans have decided to issue assault rifles to all their delegates and shoot down the red,white and blue balloons released at the end of the convention.
"There will be coupons inside the balloons for special prizes like a kevlar bible or a mooseburger shake" said one delegate spokesman.

Todd Palin, If Wife Elected Plans to Market "Rednecktar" Wine

2008-09-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

Todd Palin, the husband of Sarah Palin, who was arrested for a DUI in 1986 said he will market his own special wine "RedNecktar" if his wife wins in November.
"If it worked for Billy Carter with Billy Beer so I can do it too. Nobody can take it away from me unless I'm driving"

McCain reveals first choice for VP was God but the Lord Didn't survive vetting Process

2008-09-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

An interoffice memo of the McCain campaign reveals that their first choice for a Vice Presidential running mate was God. But during the vetting process McCain aides "came across some questionable geological practices during the Mesozoic era."
Further scrutiny revealed "some liberal leaning on the Creationism issue'
and the Lord questioning Genghis Kahn pro life stance despite his raping and looting.
We were excited about the possibility of putting God directly on the ticket but we're scared it might distract from some of the issues, therefore we choose a mooseburger eating, gun toting, snowmobile queen as a God surrogate.

Palin now describes herself as "Tonsil Hockey" Mom

2008-09-02T07:23:00.001-07:00

Given the latest disclosure about her daughters pregnancy and promuscuity Sarah Palin is calling herself a "Tonsil Hockey mom" instead of a plain old "Hockey mom"

Palin Claims Daughters Child Immaculate Conception

2008-09-02T07:19:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin claims her daughter never had sex but was visited by the son of God during her "American History" class.
"We were studying the U.S constitution and I felt something funny" said the daughter.

Is Sarah Palin Nostradamus?

2008-08-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

In a frightening example of seeing the future Sarah Palin answered the Miss Alaska beauty pagent question “How Could You Help The World?
by responding
" Shooting guns, joining the PTA then joining a man resembling a hairless Albino lab rat to be his Vice President."

McCain Plans to Deliver Acceptance Speech from Set of Giant Pick Up Trucks and Mobile Homes

2008-08-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

In a move to upstage Obama's dramatic speech from the Roman columns of the Invesco center his Republican counterpart, John McCain, plans to bring the country his acceptance speech from an elaborately built set of Pick up trucks and seven mobile homes (the latest house count of Mr. McCain)
A McCain spokesman "We want to show the country Mr. McCain is one of you and barring any indoor tornadoes it should be powerful. And we might have a few dramatic suprises like a napalm attack or Carrie Underwood waterboarding Mr. McCain."

Senile McCain Picks Hannah Montana as Vice President

2008-08-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

Rumors abound about McCain’s senility after he picks Hannah Montana as VP choice.
“I need to get in touch with the young people and for them to know I’m behind them.Plus with Montana a swing state this solidifies my base in the West, plus I understand she’s black."

Lost Blogs Recovered from Hanoi Hilton

2008-08-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

The McCain camp claims to have recovered some lost blogs of McCain during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton.
Despite the fact it was before the invention of the internet the McCain camp insists they are real. They released some of the alleged blog entries.
“Everyday I am given beetles to eat and 1200 characters of space.”
“I enjoy blogging I Just wish it wasn’t always followed by flogging.”
“I wonder if Kelloggs would be interested in banner ads.”
“Another year here and I should at least carry Pennsylvania.”
“When they hook up the car batteries for torture it screws up my wi-fi”

Republicans to Drill From GOP Platform

2008-08-27T10:09:00.001-07:00

Republicans are so adamant and passionate about the need for American oil independence they have decided to literally drill from the GOP Platform at the Republican convention.
A delegate from Kentucky explained
“We constructed a derrick from young republican straw hats and took a thousand pinky rings to create one of the strongest drill bits ever. We are fairly confident we will not hit any natural gas pockets during any keynote address but if we do it will be mixed blessing.

Another delegate added “Why even debate the merits of drilling in the Alaskan refuge when we can explore what’s underneath the convention floor.”

My Dryer Knob is Broken and I'm Using a Wrench to Turn it on and It's Driving You Crazy

2008-08-27T07:15:00.001-07:00

From the people who brought you “Men Are From Mars Women are From Venus” comes “My dryer knob is Broken I’m Using a Wrench to Turn it On and Off and that is driving you Crazy” Where we look at a simple domestic glitch and how the two sexes deal with it.
In one corner you have her a by product of German engineering. (Deutschland deutcheland plays in the background)
A woman of meticulous detail and efficiency who has broken things on her to do or replace list before you even notice the thing’s broken. The speed of light in her efficiency travels faster than his “I’ll get around to it.”
In the other corner a creative insanely inept dude who could care less, “why replace the knob when an old wrench turning the knob works just fine.” Maintenance is a four letter word to him.
She spends her days deliberating whether the court might consider it justifiable homicide to kill a man of such disorganization. He thinks home remedies that barely work are cute and makes something inanimate like a dryer come alive in a lifeless world. The wrench is old with chipped paint and he had it when he grew up and now he feels his youth every time he uses it.
“Dear remember when we had to use the wrench to turn the knob on the dryer.”
“I sure do you cheap bastard.”
Oh that’s nostalgia, one half reminiscing , the other half about to have a stroke.
In fact she’s exponentially upset since the wrench used to turn the knob barely worked. Broken with broken works in my world. It’s just more broken in hers.
He would be happy to have a two wrench system, the older wrench that helps the older wrench it would only add to the Charlie Chaplin like creativity he derives a strange joy from. In the interim deutscheland Deutschland only grows angrier at his ineptitude,
laziness and misplaced creative justification.
He will replace the knob since it bothers her so much but it makes him a little sad, in that the wrench system really reminds him to take nothing for granted not even a simple plastic fake metal looking knob .

Critical'ectomies

2008-08-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

The Democrats today all agreed to critical’ectomies.
The operation which involves removing the part of the brain that thinks, might be covered under a future universal health plan. In the spirit of a reversible vasectomy the Democrats reserve the right to reverse the operation and reanimate the critical portions of the brain if they cant come to a bipartisan agreement to cover the plan under universal health care.
Howard Dean was quoted “In this country You can be anyone you want to be. This country is built on hopes and dreams(plagiristically close to Jefferson Starship's "They built this city on rock n roll") Here a nobody can become a somebody.”
Needless to say Mr. Dean has already had the procedure. Later Howard Dean was seen munching on designer lettuce and doing awkward white guy dance moves to the Bill Clinton victory song “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”

P.O.W Subprime problem

2008-08-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

It’s clear the McCain camp is taking a page out of the Bush camp “would you please pass the mash potatoes no it wouldn’t be fair to the troops” strategy to deflect any criticism on any subject by wrapping yourself in the American flag.
Now with McCain it doesn’t matter he’s out of touch with how many houses he has as long as he spent five and half years in the most important of all, the P.O.W house.

The fact is with current credit conditions John McCain probably couldn’t have even gotten a mortgage on that house. Though to not let people forget he is suggesting a new economic indicator “New P.O.W Housing Starts”

I suggest he start a new time share concept where you spend two weeks in a nice condo in Aruba then two weeks in a lightless shack in Guantanamo bay

Trying to be hip John McCain was at a Kanye West concert and when asked after how he enjoyed the concert he made the “roof, the roof, the roof” gesture and reminded people he didn’t have the clearance to make that gesture in the POW camp.

Well I think everybody knows the old saying People in the POW camps shouldn’t throw stones at beer heiress condos.