Obama Pal'ing Around With Barney, Purple Dinosaur Terrorist

The latest Sarah Palin accusation is that Barack Obama once posed in a picture with Barney, the Purple Dinosaur terrorist.
Palin explained "Everyone knows Barney killed off all the other dinosaurs."
Palin was quick to add "Ya hey dere you don't see any other dinosaurs on the scene do you now."

401-K Plans to Change Name to 'K'

With the recent stock market plunge and decimation of 401k accounts, many brokerage houses are now changing the names of the retirement account to just "K" since most accounts are roughly worth 1000 dollars. Some clients at Merrill Lynch are opting for 12 boxes of Special K in exchange for the financial assets.

Palin to Watch Several Episodes of the Cartoon "Bullwinke" to Prepare For the Upcoming Debate

Palin justified spending her precious time watching cartoons in a recent statement:
"Boris and Natasha were thinly veiled Russians chasing a moose. Here in Alaska we can relate to this central metaphor of failed cartoon diplomacy, okay maybe not so much a metaphor since I have personally seen from my patio several Russians chasing a moose. "

Hank Paulson to Appear on Wheaties Box

Hank Paulson, the chief architect of the Federal Bailout Program will be honored by appearing on an upcoming Wheaties box. The box will contain two coupons that can be redeemed for equity ownership in major banks.
"We want to make it quite clear that we are not including the milk in this deal" said a beaming Mr. Paulson

Palin Bailout Plan includes Exchanging Moosepelts For Credit Derivatives

Minimizing the impact of the stock market crash Sarah Palin unveiled a bailout plan today that would take the credit derivatives of Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs and trade them for moose pelts.
"Think of them as financial instruments with fur. These were the currency of our Alaskan forefathers. They must have known something."

Google To Offer Blog'oscopy

For those who believe their external observations, random witticisms, and sensitive personal stories aren’t enough, giant Internet Firm Google will allow you to blog “what’s going on” with your internal organs.
The strategicly placed webcam will let people know what you are up to, dissect your political beliefs while checking for polyps.
New features include “colon sharing”
“liver as giver” (blood based wish lists)
As well as Comments from the pancreas.

New Improved Poligrip Helps Politicians Lie Through Their Teeth

New Poligrip holds dentures and fixed perceptions in place, so politicians can lye through their teeth.
No kernels of corn or truth, will come between you and those aging men running for office.
There is no slippage with those silly complexities of issues made popular by apple eating liberals.
No oozing of facts.
New Poligrip forms a barrier that even the hot immigration debate can’t permeate.