Candidate Accidentally Euthanized During "Vetting" Process

Little known congressman Gus Rabidowitz (Independent-Vermont) was being examined for the post of the Secretary of the Interior.
After being de-wormed and de-clawed Mr. Rabidowitz was put under to have his teeth cleaned and answer some important questions on radical past involvements with PETA . Apparently Obama administration officials administerred the anasthetic (i.e truth serum) for the equivalent of a two hundred pound german Shepard and put Mr. Rabidowitz to sleep forever, but not before disqualifying him for a cabinet post.
Obama people claim his hip displexia and leftist views were so extreme that they did Mr. Rabidowitz a favor.

Emergency Bank Bail Out Plan to Turn Banks Into Iron and Shape Them Like a Pig

One of the new bank bailout plans being considered by the Obama administration includes converting the banks to iron and shaping them like a giant pig.
The Obama official elaborated on the beauty of the plan:
"How much credit derivative exposure could a giant iron pig have?
If foreign banks decide to pull their money out of the U.S the giant iron pig might show up on their doorstep in which FDIC and treasury officials might hide and run amok when unnoticed.
Plus there would be no muslim money laundering in a trife shaped institution.
And If the banks fail we could melt down the iron which might be able to cover the worth of the deposits."

Brokerage Companies To Make 401 K Statements Out of Smelling Salts

So now when you look at the statement and pass out your loved ones can run the statement beneath your nose to revive you.
Other possibilities being looked at by investment firms include a free 401 K defibrillator when your account falls below a certain value to shock you back into poverty; as well as the option of the firm to change your 401 K to a KKK statement to so enrage you, you focus on the racism and forget about your depressing finances.

Obama Deals with Joe "Fredo" Lieberman

Despite backing John McCain, Barack Obama has forgiven Joe Lieberman and let Lieberman retain leadership of his committee. Obama made clear to his aides that nothing should happen to Joe Lieberman while Barack is in office. After that Obama will personally see to it that Lieberman takes a nice fishing trip out in a private lake.

Yes We Coin

Already there is a Barack Obama coin. The "Inaugural Dollar" layered in 24K gold is already being offered by a lesser known late night mint. Outraged Republicans are already calling it "a sign of the socialist state. What kind of nation would put its President on its currency" and wondering when you flip it " if it's heads on one side and a terrorist pal on the other"
The Dollar Coin does come with a certificate of authenticity signed by Joe The Plumber.

Palin "I Have Been Offered Millions to Publish My Armoires"

Speaking at a press conference Palin went on to elaborate
"We are looking at all kinds of book deals including Highlights magazine
where the kids could hear my inspirational story, dress Sarah Palin and try and find their way out of a maze all at the same time."
Also reportedly on the table we are lucrative flip picture book offers where Sarah guts a moose, blows up an abortion clinic and drills in her friends backyards, all the while winking.
She denied rumors of writing a scathing look at Obama entitled "Some of My Best Friends Are Terrorists."

Palin Calls RNC "Aerial Wolfe Hunters in Sheep's Clothing"

Showing the stress of a rigorous campaign Palin went onto add "The Republican National Committee was so eager to dress me and have people salivate over me but couldn't stand the heat so they need to get out of the kitchen and in the kitchen they need to cook onto others as others cook onto you. But silence is golden."
None the less this hasn't stopped Palin's future plans for a line of clothing
"Ya hey dere" which features blue jeans made of tundra, belts made from gun parts and petroleum based tube tops.