Auto Executives Try Old Sales Tactics for Bailout Money

Rick Wagoner started his plea for an emergency aide with “Whats it gonna take to get you behind this 25 billion bailout roadster”
He then went on to say enthusiastically “today everybody gets bailed out. I wont even run a credit check on the U.S government."
And if he got the bailout money by the end of the day he would personally throw in a free rust coating of the aging U.S infrastructure.
The Ford CEO offered full blue book trade in value on the old bailout proposal.

GM Ceo Says He has To Run Any Bailout Offers by His Regional Manager

GM Ceo Rick Wagoner informed congress that any bailout package offered to GM is contigent on acceptance by his regional manager who just happens to be in the office today.
He may tell me okay "only cash, no credit and it has to happen in the next two hours"

Disney to Offer "Pirates off The African Coast" Cruises

In the if you can beat em join em school of vacation packages, The Disney company has announced a series of new cruises where actual pirates hijack the cruise boat, hold you captive and terrorize you for the entire one week cruise.
You have a choice of different terror packages including “late night dinner seating with machete held to your neck”
Or “High Seas Musical 4” in which Somali 8 year olds with machine guns get you to dance.
The cost of the cruise does not include any additional ransom charges.

Bush Trampled to Death in Race to Leave White House

After hearing all the upcoming after Xmas bargains and lucrative consulting contracts, the White House staff accidentally trampled the 43rd President to death.
“They had a Samsung 52 inch plasma for under $1500. When you shoot a guys face off it looks like you are there actually shooting a guys face off “ said an excited Cheney.
"I heard I could get $100,000 an appearance and I don’t know what came over me. I just couldn’t get out of there fast enough” said a stunned Condoleeza Rice.
Due to tough economic times The President will be laid to rest in Costco coffin.

Paulson Discovers He Can Fold Over The Tarp and Double the Bailout

In a startling revelation Treasury Secretary Paulson awoke in the middle of the night and realized by folding over the TARP he could double the bailout package plus carry leaves at the same time.
After some warm milk Mr. Paulson, in desperate search for paper, scribbled an idea on the back of an Egg Beater's carton. "If I gave the people plastic ponchos maybe that would stimulate consumer spending"

Jewish Screen Actors 'Gelt' Decides Not To Strike

Breaking ranks with their breathren, the organized group of Jewish actors decided it was wrong to interrupt their work at this important time of year. Chanukah re-enactments and 'CSI Miami Collins Ave' are just hitting their strides. Plus the hot new cop show "Law and Menorah" which features detectives infiltrating street gangs by lighting candles and singing israeli folk songs, is just hitting its stride.
The 'Gelt' is also excited about the buzz around the vigilantee thriller "D.D.D.I.M.Y.O.O.C.A.N.Y.W.P. "
"Dradle, Dradle, Dradle, I Made You Out of Clay And Now You Will Pay"

Candidate Accidentally Euthanized During "Vetting" Process

Little known congressman Gus Rabidowitz (Independent-Vermont) was being examined for the post of the Secretary of the Interior.
After being de-wormed and de-clawed Mr. Rabidowitz was put under to have his teeth cleaned and answer some important questions on radical past involvements with PETA . Apparently Obama administration officials administerred the anasthetic (i.e truth serum) for the equivalent of a two hundred pound german Shepard and put Mr. Rabidowitz to sleep forever, but not before disqualifying him for a cabinet post.
Obama people claim his hip displexia and leftist views were so extreme that they did Mr. Rabidowitz a favor.