New Strain of Chim Chimney H1N2 Chimney Flue Spreads

Chim, Chimney, Chim Chimney H1N2 has been turning up in rural areas across the country. The virus is created while making smores in cozy cabins and simultaneously watching Mary Poppins.
"The graham crackers, chocolate and vision of a flying nanny all blend to confuse cells to the point of virulent Hell" said Chimney Sweep and Immunologist Johnny Vasclowitz.
He went on to add "A transfusion of creasote with a I.V marshmellow drip
seems to be the only cure."
Scientists are hard at work to find a vaccine to fight the strain.
"We are getting some early good results with soot DNA. Also we are synthesizing the essence of weenies on sticks and getting some encouraging results." We just hope it doesnt mutate into something we can't get our arms around"
People infected often find themselves vomiting and singing at the same time and experience the need to buy several umbrellas.
This new strain of flu is not to be confused with the R2D2 Star Wars strain of flu reported to be planted by Lucas Studios.

Existensialist Movement Revived by Obama Health Care Debate

With the Obama administration insisting private companies cover "pre-existing conditions" Existensialism is enjoying a new found popularity.
"Not only is your current existence meaningless but before you even existed there still existed a lack of any meaning whatsoever. The fact that governments wants to address this says existensialism is now mainstream" says Helmut Stutgard, philosopher who is homeless but survives the streets of Berlin selling his Schnitzel art.
Stutgard went on to add that "God in fact may not even be dead but faking it to eliminate any costly Death Panel debates"

Republicans Fight Health Care Reform with Popular Country Songs

Striking a chord in middle America, Republicans have hired country western stars to rewrite popular country western songs to fight the Obama Health Care plan.
Some of the new songs include:
"Grandma got run over by A Reindeer Hired by a Death Panel."
"She has Betty Davis Eyes, Literally thats all she could afford."
"Doctor Doctor give me the news I have a bad case of the Government Option Blues."
"Jesus Take the Wheel and Please Run Some Errands for Me, I'm in a Line Around the Block Waiting for Basic Health Care."

Auto Neurotic Asphyxiation

I’m sure many of you have heard about David Carridines death by what is most likely auto erotic asphyxiation. With a jewish mother I have to wonder what would upset her more plain old suicide or accidental death by masturbation. I think the latter would be more upsetting because she might for a second say my god the catholics were right it is a sin.
Course in my case it would more likely be auto neurotic asphyxiation where Im suffocated to death by my worries. See I don’t need any rope applied to strategic places or cellophane bags.
Eventually I’m so overwhelmed by my worries I cannot breathe; therefore I have no sexual desire whatsoever and I feel completely satisfied.
For me its all about heightening the intensity of my worries. There are several techniques used:
Like listening to my familys latest problems.
“Joel Your sister is a manic depressive, your brother a borderline schizophrenic and your dad was depressed the last ten years of his life.”
I like to turn the lights down low I can lay out my overdraft notices on the satin bedspread.
What often works for me as an aphrodisiac is examining the six month old expired presccription of Viagra.
Or Light a candle by the bathtub and check the latest stock market quotes in a severe recession.
Or ask my girlfriend how she feels about me and listen to the silence, the awkard terrible silence. You know the crickets chirping. At least you want to know how the crickets feel about you.
Instead of talking dirty I can get off hearing her tell me how disgusting my living conditions are.
One sure method for arousal is to check the internet for the 18 fatal diseases that perfectly fit my symptoms.
At this point I am such a quivering, frightened mess, well I feel good. I feel manly.
After my twelve days of recuperation in the local sanitarium Im already thinking about the next round of auto neurotic asphyxiation.

Obama Endorses "Ronco OathMaster 2000"

Coming off an embarassing foul up while taking the Presidential Oath, the President made his first commercial endorsement for the OathMaster 2000
which electronically renews his oath of office every 72 hours.
"In this time, in this moment I covered my ass, thanks Ronco" the President told the country.
The product works through phone lines "Press 1 if you do solemnly swear" or on a computer as an automatic "refresh" to the oath.
A spokesman for the Company was enthusiastic.
"We can't wait till 2012 till we have a shot at a another sale"

Last Minute Inauguration Recipes including "Yes We Clams"

Cheney Back Ribs and Much much more.

http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/inauguration_recipes_MP3.mp3

Half Ton Palooza

What happens when you watch back to back "Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Mom, Half Ton Dad"
http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/half_ton_MP3.mp3