Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Auto Neurotic Asphyxiation

I’m sure many of you have heard about David Carridines death by what is most likely auto erotic asphyxiation. With a jewish mother I have to wonder what would upset her more plain old suicide or accidental death by masturbation. I think the latter would be more upsetting because she might for a second say my god the catholics were right it is a sin.
Course in my case it would more likely be auto neurotic asphyxiation where Im suffocated to death by my worries. See I don’t need any rope applied to strategic places or cellophane bags.
Eventually I’m so overwhelmed by my worries I cannot breathe; therefore I have no sexual desire whatsoever and I feel completely satisfied.
For me its all about heightening the intensity of my worries. There are several techniques used:
Like listening to my familys latest problems.
“Joel Your sister is a manic depressive, your brother a borderline schizophrenic and your dad was depressed the last ten years of his life.”
I like to turn the lights down low I can lay out my overdraft notices on the satin bedspread.
What often works for me as an aphrodisiac is examining the six month old expired presccription of Viagra.
Or Light a candle by the bathtub and check the latest stock market quotes in a severe recession.
Or ask my girlfriend how she feels about me and listen to the silence, the awkard terrible silence. You know the crickets chirping. At least you want to know how the crickets feel about you.
Instead of talking dirty I can get off hearing her tell me how disgusting my living conditions are.
One sure method for arousal is to check the internet for the 18 fatal diseases that perfectly fit my symptoms.
At this point I am such a quivering, frightened mess, well I feel good. I feel manly.
After my twelve days of recuperation in the local sanitarium Im already thinking about the next round of auto neurotic asphyxiation.