Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Republicans to Drill From GOP Platform

Republicans are so adamant and passionate about the need for American oil independence they have decided to literally drill from the GOP Platform at the Republican convention.
A delegate from Kentucky explained
“We constructed a derrick from young republican straw hats and took a thousand pinky rings to create one of the strongest drill bits ever. We are fairly confident we will not hit any natural gas pockets during any keynote address but if we do it will be mixed blessing.

Another delegate added “Why even debate the merits of drilling in the Alaskan refuge when we can explore what’s underneath the convention floor.”

My Dryer Knob is Broken and I'm Using a Wrench to Turn it on and It's Driving You Crazy

From the people who brought you “Men Are From Mars Women are From Venus” comes “My dryer knob is Broken I’m Using a Wrench to Turn it On and Off and that is driving you Crazy” Where we look at a simple domestic glitch and how the two sexes deal with it.
In one corner you have her a by product of German engineering. (Deutschland deutcheland plays in the background)
A woman of meticulous detail and efficiency who has broken things on her to do or replace list before you even notice the thing’s broken. The speed of light in her efficiency travels faster than his “I’ll get around to it.”
In the other corner a creative insanely inept dude who could care less, “why replace the knob when an old wrench turning the knob works just fine.” Maintenance is a four letter word to him.
She spends her days deliberating whether the court might consider it justifiable homicide to kill a man of such disorganization. He thinks home remedies that barely work are cute and makes something inanimate like a dryer come alive in a lifeless world. The wrench is old with chipped paint and he had it when he grew up and now he feels his youth every time he uses it.
“Dear remember when we had to use the wrench to turn the knob on the dryer.”
“I sure do you cheap bastard.”
Oh that’s nostalgia, one half reminiscing , the other half about to have a stroke.
In fact she’s exponentially upset since the wrench used to turn the knob barely worked. Broken with broken works in my world. It’s just more broken in hers.
He would be happy to have a two wrench system, the older wrench that helps the older wrench it would only add to the Charlie Chaplin like creativity he derives a strange joy from. In the interim deutscheland Deutschland only grows angrier at his ineptitude,
laziness and misplaced creative justification.
He will replace the knob since it bothers her so much but it makes him a little sad, in that the wrench system really reminds him to take nothing for granted not even a simple plastic fake metal looking knob .


The Democrats today all agreed to critical’ectomies.
The operation which involves removing the part of the brain that thinks, might be covered under a future universal health plan. In the spirit of a reversible vasectomy the Democrats reserve the right to reverse the operation and reanimate the critical portions of the brain if they cant come to a bipartisan agreement to cover the plan under universal health care.
Howard Dean was quoted “In this country You can be anyone you want to be. This country is built on hopes and dreams(plagiristically close to Jefferson Starship's "They built this city on rock n roll") Here a nobody can become a somebody.”
Needless to say Mr. Dean has already had the procedure. Later Howard Dean was seen munching on designer lettuce and doing awkward white guy dance moves to the Bill Clinton victory song “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”