Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Chopped Seweycide Hotline

What happens when a suicide hotline becomes crossed with a Chinese Take-Out Restaurant.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tasteless Copycat Ponzie Schemes include "Fonzie Investor scam"

With the Madoff Ponzie scheme possibly ripping off investors for 50 Billion dollars several tasteless copycat schemes are emerging including A "Fonzie investor scam" where an overage guy dressed up in leather saying "Aaayy" convinces you of double digit return on credit derivatives.
Another cheat sells you mortgages on Florida swampland that ironically turn out to be worth more than Miami condos.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Conspiracy Theories Abound About Shoe Throwing Incident

People are already circulating theories about what they consider the "real story" behind the Iraqi shoe thrower.
There is allegedly a "Shoe"pruder' film that shows 4 shoes thrown from different angles but two were intercepted by Secret Service Agents. Other people cling to the "single Odor Eater trajectory theory." While still others point to the ten sox found abandonned on the desert knoll as suggesting something greater at work here.
Some people are citing reports that the Iraqi journalist was trained at a comfortable footwear terrorist camp.
Another theory believes the whole thing was staged to try and win first prize on America's Funniest Videos but the President decided he would try and make it real to gain sympathy. A spinoff theory also claimed Dick Cheney shot a hunting buddy in the foot at the same time.
While still others point out there that if you take the film of the hurling shoes and put in super mo one shoe spun nine times and the other eleven times in addition the incident took place at 9:11 Iraqi time

Monday, December 15, 2008

"A Very Blagojevich Xmas"


Bush To Add Troops To Iraq To Fight Leather Uppers of Mass Destruction

After the President had two shoes hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter President Bush authorized sending 500,000 more troops to Iraq to "find and weed out the leather uppers of mass destruction"
The Secretary of Defense is looking into arming the troops with Kevlar shoehorns.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Illinois To Change State Seal to Eagle Behind Bars

With three of the last six governors imprisoned on corruption charges the State of Illinois has decided to place prison bars in front of the bald eage that graces the official State Seal.
The state is also considering putting a key in the eagles mouth which it could drop to the incarcerated officials as a symbol of freedom.
There are also plans to change its license plate slogan from "Land of Lincoln" to "Live Free or Behind Bars Whichever Comes First."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Blagojevich Rewrites "Fucking Golden" Rule

The governor/philosopher Ron Blagojevich has put out a timely pamphlet "Try to Sell Onto Others as Others Try to Sell You What's Rightfully Yours"
The Governor interrupted his busy schedule to go out and film a Public Service Announcement "Let go of My Blago" the interaction of waffles and sexual molestation in prison.

Blagojevich Offered Senate Seat on Ebay

Going by the alias of seller "blagdollarovich" the governor was hoping to get a multi-million dollar bid by an ambitious rich person. The bidding got up to three hundred thousand by "corruptdude" and "sleezywheezy" before ebay yanked the auction.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Auto Executives Try Old Sales Tactics for Bailout Money

Rick Wagoner started his plea for an emergency aide with “Whats it gonna take to get you behind this 25 billion bailout roadster”
He then went on to say enthusiastically “today everybody gets bailed out. I wont even run a credit check on the U.S government."
And if he got the bailout money by the end of the day he would personally throw in a free rust coating of the aging U.S infrastructure.
The Ford CEO offered full blue book trade in value on the old bailout proposal.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

GM Ceo Says He has To Run Any Bailout Offers by His Regional Manager

GM Ceo Rick Wagoner informed congress that any bailout package offered to GM is contigent on acceptance by his regional manager who just happens to be in the office today.
He may tell me okay "only cash, no credit and it has to happen in the next two hours"

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Disney to Offer "Pirates off The African Coast" Cruises

In the if you can beat em join em school of vacation packages, The Disney company has announced a series of new cruises where actual pirates hijack the cruise boat, hold you captive and terrorize you for the entire one week cruise.
You have a choice of different terror packages including “late night dinner seating with machete held to your neck”
Or “High Seas Musical 4” in which Somali 8 year olds with machine guns get you to dance.
The cost of the cruise does not include any additional ransom charges.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bush Trampled to Death in Race to Leave White House

After hearing all the upcoming after Xmas bargains and lucrative consulting contracts, the White House staff accidentally trampled the 43rd President to death.
“They had a Samsung 52 inch plasma for under $1500. When you shoot a guys face off it looks like you are there actually shooting a guys face off “ said an excited Cheney.
"I heard I could get $100,000 an appearance and I don’t know what came over me. I just couldn’t get out of there fast enough” said a stunned Condoleeza Rice.
Due to tough economic times The President will be laid to rest in Costco coffin.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Paulson Discovers He Can Fold Over The Tarp and Double the Bailout

In a startling revelation Treasury Secretary Paulson awoke in the middle of the night and realized by folding over the TARP he could double the bailout package plus carry leaves at the same time.
After some warm milk Mr. Paulson, in desperate search for paper, scribbled an idea on the back of an Egg Beater's carton. "If I gave the people plastic ponchos maybe that would stimulate consumer spending"

Monday, November 24, 2008

Jewish Screen Actors 'Gelt' Decides Not To Strike

Breaking ranks with their breathren, the organized group of Jewish actors decided it was wrong to interrupt their work at this important time of year. Chanukah re-enactments and 'CSI Miami Collins Ave' are just hitting their strides. Plus the hot new cop show "Law and Menorah" which features detectives infiltrating street gangs by lighting candles and singing israeli folk songs, is just hitting its stride.
The 'Gelt' is also excited about the buzz around the vigilantee thriller "D.D.D.I.M.Y.O.O.C.A.N.Y.W.P. "
"Dradle, Dradle, Dradle, I Made You Out of Clay And Now You Will Pay"

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Candidate Accidentally Euthanized During "Vetting" Process

Little known congressman Gus Rabidowitz (Independent-Vermont) was being examined for the post of the Secretary of the Interior.
After being de-wormed and de-clawed Mr. Rabidowitz was put under to have his teeth cleaned and answer some important questions on radical past involvements with PETA . Apparently Obama administration officials administerred the anasthetic (i.e truth serum) for the equivalent of a two hundred pound german Shepard and put Mr. Rabidowitz to sleep forever, but not before disqualifying him for a cabinet post.
Obama people claim his hip displexia and leftist views were so extreme that they did Mr. Rabidowitz a favor.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Emergency Bank Bail Out Plan to Turn Banks Into Iron and Shape Them Like a Pig

One of the new bank bailout plans being considered by the Obama administration includes converting the banks to iron and shaping them like a giant pig.
The Obama official elaborated on the beauty of the plan:
"How much credit derivative exposure could a giant iron pig have?
If foreign banks decide to pull their money out of the U.S the giant iron pig might show up on their doorstep in which FDIC and treasury officials might hide and run amok when unnoticed.
Plus there would be no muslim money laundering in a trife shaped institution.
And If the banks fail we could melt down the iron which might be able to cover the worth of the deposits."

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Brokerage Companies To Make 401 K Statements Out of Smelling Salts

So now when you look at the statement and pass out your loved ones can run the statement beneath your nose to revive you.
Other possibilities being looked at by investment firms include a free 401 K defibrillator when your account falls below a certain value to shock you back into poverty; as well as the option of the firm to change your 401 K to a KKK statement to so enrage you, you focus on the racism and forget about your depressing finances.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Obama Deals with Joe "Fredo" Lieberman

Despite backing John McCain, Barack Obama has forgiven Joe Lieberman and let Lieberman retain leadership of his committee. Obama made clear to his aides that nothing should happen to Joe Lieberman while Barack is in office. After that Obama will personally see to it that Lieberman takes a nice fishing trip out in a private lake.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Yes We Coin

Already there is a Barack Obama coin. The "Inaugural Dollar" layered in 24K gold is already being offered by a lesser known late night mint. Outraged Republicans are already calling it "a sign of the socialist state. What kind of nation would put its President on its currency" and wondering when you flip it " if it's heads on one side and a terrorist pal on the other"
The Dollar Coin does come with a certificate of authenticity signed by Joe The Plumber.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Palin "I Have Been Offered Millions to Publish My Armoires"

Speaking at a press conference Palin went on to elaborate
"We are looking at all kinds of book deals including Highlights magazine
where the kids could hear my inspirational story, dress Sarah Palin and try and find their way out of a maze all at the same time."
Also reportedly on the table we are lucrative flip picture book offers where Sarah guts a moose, blows up an abortion clinic and drills in her friends backyards, all the while winking.
She denied rumors of writing a scathing look at Obama entitled "Some of My Best Friends Are Terrorists."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Palin Calls RNC "Aerial Wolfe Hunters in Sheep's Clothing"

Showing the stress of a rigorous campaign Palin went onto add "The Republican National Committee was so eager to dress me and have people salivate over me but couldn't stand the heat so they need to get out of the kitchen and in the kitchen they need to cook onto others as others cook onto you. But silence is golden."
None the less this hasn't stopped Palin's future plans for a line of clothing
"Ya hey dere" which features blue jeans made of tundra, belts made from gun parts and petroleum based tube tops.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

General Motor Unveils Their Car of the Future the “Obsolete”.

General Motor unveils their car of the future the “Obsolete”.
Deciding to embrace their weaknesses rather than deny them General Motors showed off their new model currently in production.
A spokesman for the company boasted about some of the features
"The Obsolete’s interior is designed like a giant cup holder since that seemed to be the biggest concern of consumers. We felt beverage ergonomics was more important than leg room.
It does get terrible mileage but more importantly your ipod does work in the gas tank if you accidentally drop it in there while refueling.
Gm plans to have the Obsolete in showrooms just around the time they file for bankruptcy. But the spokesman was quick to add the new prototype for the “We’re Fucked’ sedan and convertible will make its debut at the January Auto show.

General Motors To Buy Back Their Common Stock with Change Found In-between The Seats

The company is asking employees to help its sagging stock price by using the change underneath and in-between seats of their GM cars to buy the common stock of the company.
“When you have to ask yourself Mickey D’s dollar menu or major ownership in GM please choose the later,” begged the contact in charge of investor relations.
This comes after the failed “Help GM Kids and Stock” displays in laundry mats didn’t bring in anticipated revenues.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Bin Laden's Son To Star in New Reality Show "So You Think You can Live Here'

After being denied entry into Egypt, the third country to reject the so called "Ambassador of Peace" Omar Osama bin Laden held a press conference to announce he has signed a contract with the makers of "Survivor" to star in a new show "So You Think You can Live Here" in which the controversial figure seeks asylum in countries around the world by performing special dance moves native to that country.
Each week the leaders of major nations will have to decide whether to vote him off the planet or let him live in their country for one week until the next show airs. The Bush Administration has already circulated a memo warning officials not to fall for his macarana moves however adorable they may be.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Hobo Futures Soar After Unemployment Report

After this mornings dismal November Unemployment Report
the hobo futures trading floor "is frenetic, limit up" according to Sid "Find Me a Home" Stein. Mr. Stein continued "I took everything I had (which was nothing) and bet that the value of the homeless would increase or decrease depending on your perspective. This leaves me where I began homeless."
added Mr. Stein before leaving the trading floor to hop the 8:08 Freight Train to Kankakee.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

New York Times Publishes "No Exit" Polls

In its never ending quest to be erudite and parade its intelligence to the nth degree, the
York Times published ‘No exit’ polls taken on Election day.
Some of the highlights included:
15% said they had no faith in the future and they were suffocating on their past.
Of whites with a college education 35% realized nothing could change the unalterable weight of their mortality and most spent five hours in the voting booth staring at the senseless fluorescent lighting of the white void .
Of those making over $100,000, 50% voted to descend into the plus leather nothingness of a New Infinity.

Republicans Claim Scientific Proof Democratic Tears of Joy Last Night Were Elitist Tears

After electing the first black american to office and revitalizing their hopes Democrats and millions of people cried for hours last night
Republicans got a hold of those tears and have had them scientifically analyzed. They claim their composition yielded the following results:
20% Jamba juice
20% Harvard law review
20% Ionized Purified Belgian Spring water
20% The Amalgamated 1005 Elitist Union Refrigerator magnets
20% Yes We Can Oil of Cloves

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Obama Once the Devil But Redistributed His Horns

Reaching for whatever these days the McCain camp claims Obama was once the devil but did in fact redistribute his horns to less fortunate devils.
Said one McCain spokesman "Millions of Americans share the Satanic dream of ruling darkness with modest projections from their head and Senator Obama wants to ruin this."

McCain Camp Claims Obama the Illegitimate Son of Joe and Eugene McCarthy

As part of its 'anything goes' strategy, the McCain camp now claims Obama's gay Fathers were in fact Joe McCarthy, the man who made a living bringing down alleged communists and Eugene McCarthy, the former ultra liberal who ran for President.
The McCain aide went on to elaborate "Any affiliation with Joe McCarthy even as his son makes me believe the child was under suspicion for questionable unpatriotic activities. The fact one of his gay fathers was an ultra liberal I believe says it all."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

McCain tries to capitalize on "Bernice The Exterminator"

Desperate to throw out anything and everything at this point that may help his campaign McCain is citing an Obama conversation with a woman, Bernice Obromovitch, who owns a pest control business in Florida.
McCain addressed the press"Bernice, the exterminator whose simple dream was to rid Floridians of silverfish under an Obama administration would have to serve as a pest control woman in Afganistan to make ends meet.
This is not the America that I know. Clearly Obama's socialist leanings are putting cockroaches first"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

'Touched by an Angel" Producers to Debut "Mauled by the Markets"

In this version Mr and Mrs Joe Six pack will have fatal heart attacks after opening their 401 K statements but then be revived by wingless angels (they had to sell their wings to meet margin calls)

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Handbasket in Which World is Going to Hell In Sold Off on Ebay

The handbasket in which the world is going to Hell in received a final bid of $2.98 recently on ebay. There were hopes it would fetch several billion dollars which could have been used to prevent the world from going to Hell. This only further exacerbates the current despair
The lovely wicker display was bought by an eighty year old woman in South Dakota who said she would put it on her mantle right next to a collection she recently purchased of all the world's pots to piss in.
She likes to tell all her neighbors you may not have a pot to piss in but I do.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Obama Pal'ing Around With Barney, Purple Dinosaur Terrorist

The latest Sarah Palin accusation is that Barack Obama once posed in a picture with Barney, the Purple Dinosaur terrorist.
Palin explained "Everyone knows Barney killed off all the other dinosaurs."
Palin was quick to add "Ya hey dere you don't see any other dinosaurs on the scene do you now."

Monday, September 29, 2008

401-K Plans to Change Name to 'K'

With the recent stock market plunge and decimation of 401k accounts, many brokerage houses are now changing the names of the retirement account to just "K" since most accounts are roughly worth 1000 dollars. Some clients at Merrill Lynch are opting for 12 boxes of Special K in exchange for the financial assets.

Palin to Watch Several Episodes of the Cartoon "Bullwinke" to Prepare For the Upcoming Debate

Palin justified spending her precious time watching cartoons in a recent statement:
"Boris and Natasha were thinly veiled Russians chasing a moose. Here in Alaska we can relate to this central metaphor of failed cartoon diplomacy, okay maybe not so much a metaphor since I have personally seen from my patio several Russians chasing a moose. "

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hank Paulson to Appear on Wheaties Box

Hank Paulson, the chief architect of the Federal Bailout Program will be honored by appearing on an upcoming Wheaties box. The box will contain two coupons that can be redeemed for equity ownership in major banks.
"We want to make it quite clear that we are not including the milk in this deal" said a beaming Mr. Paulson

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Palin Bailout Plan includes Exchanging Moosepelts For Credit Derivatives

Minimizing the impact of the stock market crash Sarah Palin unveiled a bailout plan today that would take the credit derivatives of Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs and trade them for moose pelts.
"Think of them as financial instruments with fur. These were the currency of our Alaskan forefathers. They must have known something."

Monday, September 15, 2008

Google To Offer Blog'oscopy

For those who believe their external observations, random witticisms, and sensitive personal stories aren’t enough, giant Internet Firm Google will allow you to blog “what’s going on” with your internal organs.
The strategicly placed webcam will let people know what you are up to, dissect your political beliefs while checking for polyps.
New features include “colon sharing”
“liver as giver” (blood based wish lists)
As well as Comments from the pancreas.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

New Improved Poligrip Helps Politicians Lie Through Their Teeth

New Poligrip holds dentures and fixed perceptions in place, so politicians can lye through their teeth.
No kernels of corn or truth, will come between you and those aging men running for office.
There is no slippage with those silly complexities of issues made popular by apple eating liberals.
No oozing of facts.
New Poligrip forms a barrier that even the hot immigration debate can’t permeate.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

ABC in Talks with Sarah Palin to star in "Fascists Housewives"

A spokeman for ABC described it as a spin off of 'Desperate Housewives' except we will replace promiscuity with book burning and aerial wolf hunting.

Karl Rove to remake Famous 'Deliverance' Scene to "Squeal Like a Democrat"

Capitalizing on the liptick on the pig furor Karl Rove has secured the rights to the film 'Deliverance' and plans via a 527 ad to dub the audio in the famous sodomy scene to “Squeal like a Democrat.”
“Go on squeal. Squeal. Squeal like a democrat.”
"I'm not sure on whether the sodomizer will be applying lipstick, we are running that idea before several focus groups" added Mr. Rove.
Rumors suggest that Todd Palin, may have a walk on part as one of the woodsman. His wife Sarah, the VP nominee, may have a cameo as a chained pit-bull.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

"Die Harder So You Can Come Back as a Janitor"

What if John MacClean/John McCain of "Die Hard" fame teamed up with Shirley MacClean of past lives therapy fame? Their next film might be "Die Harder So You Come Back as a Janitor"

Sarah Palin Scores -450 On Celebrity Jeopardy After She Refuses to Put Her Answers in Question Form

Palin defended her score “I’m under strict instructions not to answer any questions period and putting your answers in question form is just too close to answering a question. It seems like another liberal trick of the left wing media."
It’s reported that Palin later turned down a guest spot on “Whose Line is It Anyway?” adding “I refuse to take part in a show that celebrates Plagiarism.”

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

McCain's Emergency Housing Bailout Plan to Give Each Lower Income Family a House from the Game 'Monopoly'

“Its not so much a piece of plastic to put over your head as it is a symbol of the American Dream. Plus if times get really tough you can mortgage it and get back half your investment which is in this case nothing.”
McCain went on to add that Sarah Palin does now indeed have foreign policy experience after landing several times on Baltic and Mediterranean Ave.

Suggestions for Bush to Secure Spot as Worse President in History

I sure hope he doesn’t blow this rare opportunity:
Forget off shore drilling. Drill aggressively on the San Andreas fault so people can have natural gas right in their backyards.
Confuse the Timetable for the Troop Withdrawl in Iraq with an Amtrak timetable for D.C trains to Baltimore.
Set up a committee to establish waterboarding as a new Olympic sport for the 2012 games.
Endorse a new product ‘WMD 40’ that helps lubricate Weapons of Mass destruction.
Let Dick Cheney blow the faces off of the Presidents on Mt Rushmore by using a super big shotgun funded by the NRA.
Put up a giant volleyball net in-between the treacherous Pakistani Afghan border and challenge Al Quaida to a best two of out three match.
Take the hardline “we will do everything we need to be tough in Russia. We are going to “Razz” Putin"
Create new image for Freddie Mac by changing its name to Billy Jack.
Stage a Dirty Dancing Farewell party in the Oval office with Ryan Seacrest as the Host.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sarah Palin claims Foreign Policy experience after replacing State Farm Insurance with Chinese Insurance.

"I read the document cover to cover and now understand the diplomatic nuances of Szechwan collision vs Mongolian collision. I am also well versed in what’s considered a Sunni act of God vs a Shi’ite act of God, though I embrace neither God."

Sarah Palin Explains Whole New Way of Life entitled "Rec'Creationism"

The Vice Presidential nominee explained further in an interview:

"The Lord intended for us to enjoy the outdoors.
First God created light to allow us to see while Aerial wolf hunting.
Then God put forth the ATV so we can chase down bears (one of his creatures) till they are exhausted and ready to die.
On the third day God put scopes on rifles to help us see where we can’t.
On the fourth day God created bowling to show us which Presidential candidates are strong and which candidates are weak.
On the fifth day God created the sea teeming with creatures and those creatures told us where to drill.
On the sixth day God created man and woman in 'her tight hugging camouflage pants' image.
On the seventh day God kicked back and had a cold one."

Sunday, September 7, 2008

McCain Broad Housing Recovery Plan Allows Families To Live In Three of His Four Houses or Maybe Six of his Seven Houses, Whatever.

McCain spoke to the National Economists Society “By allowing between 1 and 6 families with foreclosures depending on my latest residence count, to live in my houses we should make a significant dent in the housing problem.”

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Palin To Woo Christ Killing Voting Block

Sarah Palin in a Miami Beach retirement home told reporters “I want to address the needs and concerns of these slayers of the Messiah. In addition to controlling the media and the International Monetary system we need them to make it to Washington.
John McCain and I are mavericks just as in Roman times the Jews were mavericks in crucifying the Son of God.
God Bless them."

Friday, September 5, 2008

Change, Change, Change, Change of Fools

Where is Aretha Franklin when you need her?

John McCain aide says “6.1% record unemployment rate has good personality.”

The McCain spokesman elaborated "It’s not about the fact more Americans than ever are out of work, the unemployed will decide their next president based on the “character and toughness” of those jobs that aren’t there. Some of those non existent jobs might have laid down their jobs for this country."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sarah Palin To Change CSpan to C Section Channel if she Wins the White House

"I have new bold plans for the media. Cspan is boring and does nothing to reinforce family values" says the never shy Sarah.
"A channel that features Ceaserean sections interspersed with Congressional hearings, that is the kind of America I want to live in."

Republicans and Democrats Working on Bipartisan bill to tell the truth

The bill is tentatively entitled “America First and American Samoa second.”
Other titles being floated around include “The Bridge to Somewhere that is Truth and not Nowhere”
But neither party is hopeful their plan will make it even out of committee.
It is been stalled by filibusters and Dairy Queen’s Peanut Butter Parfait Busters up to now
So far both parties have agreed the plan would involve attaching lie detectors to their tongues whenever addressing the public.
In anticipation of the bill passing each party is searching for future presidential candidates that have had their tongues cut out.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Republicans to Shoot Down Balloons at End of Convention

Thinking it may galvanize the NRA base the Republicans have decided to issue assault rifles to all their delegates and shoot down the red,white and blue balloons released at the end of the convention.
"There will be coupons inside the balloons for special prizes like a kevlar bible or a mooseburger shake" said one delegate spokesman.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Todd Palin, If Wife Elected Plans to Market "Rednecktar" Wine

Todd Palin, the husband of Sarah Palin, who was arrested for a DUI in 1986 said he will market his own special wine "RedNecktar" if his wife wins in November.
"If it worked for Billy Carter with Billy Beer so I can do it too. Nobody can take it away from me unless I'm driving"

McCain reveals first choice for VP was God but the Lord Didn't survive vetting Process

An interoffice memo of the McCain campaign reveals that their first choice for a Vice Presidential running mate was God. But during the vetting process McCain aides "came across some questionable geological practices during the Mesozoic era."
Further scrutiny revealed "some liberal leaning on the Creationism issue'
and the Lord questioning Genghis Kahn pro life stance despite his raping and looting.
We were excited about the possibility of putting God directly on the ticket but we're scared it might distract from some of the issues, therefore we choose a mooseburger eating, gun toting, snowmobile queen as a God surrogate.

Palin now describes herself as "Tonsil Hockey" Mom

Given the latest disclosure about her daughters pregnancy and promuscuity Sarah Palin is calling herself a "Tonsil Hockey mom" instead of a plain old "Hockey mom"

Palin Claims Daughters Child Immaculate Conception

Sarah Palin claims her daughter never had sex but was visited by the son of God during her "American History" class.
"We were studying the U.S constitution and I felt something funny" said the daughter.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Is Sarah Palin Nostradamus?

In a frightening example of seeing the future Sarah Palin answered the Miss Alaska beauty pagent question “How Could You Help The World?
by responding
" Shooting guns, joining the PTA then joining a man resembling a hairless Albino lab rat to be his Vice President."

Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain Plans to Deliver Acceptance Speech from Set of Giant Pick Up Trucks and Mobile Homes

In a move to upstage Obama's dramatic speech from the Roman columns of the Invesco center his Republican counterpart, John McCain, plans to bring the country his acceptance speech from an elaborately built set of Pick up trucks and seven mobile homes (the latest house count of Mr. McCain)
A McCain spokesman "We want to show the country Mr. McCain is one of you and barring any indoor tornadoes it should be powerful. And we might have a few dramatic suprises like a napalm attack or Carrie Underwood waterboarding Mr. McCain."

Senile McCain Picks Hannah Montana as Vice President

Rumors abound about McCain’s senility after he picks Hannah Montana as VP choice.
“I need to get in touch with the young people and for them to know I’m behind them.Plus with Montana a swing state this solidifies my base in the West, plus I understand she’s black."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Lost Blogs Recovered from Hanoi Hilton

The McCain camp claims to have recovered some lost blogs of McCain during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton.
Despite the fact it was before the invention of the internet the McCain camp insists they are real. They released some of the alleged blog entries.
“Everyday I am given beetles to eat and 1200 characters of space.”
“I enjoy blogging I Just wish it wasn’t always followed by flogging.”
“I wonder if Kelloggs would be interested in banner ads.”
“Another year here and I should at least carry Pennsylvania.”
“When they hook up the car batteries for torture it screws up my wi-fi”

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Republicans to Drill From GOP Platform

Republicans are so adamant and passionate about the need for American oil independence they have decided to literally drill from the GOP Platform at the Republican convention.
A delegate from Kentucky explained
“We constructed a derrick from young republican straw hats and took a thousand pinky rings to create one of the strongest drill bits ever. We are fairly confident we will not hit any natural gas pockets during any keynote address but if we do it will be mixed blessing.

Another delegate added “Why even debate the merits of drilling in the Alaskan refuge when we can explore what’s underneath the convention floor.”

My Dryer Knob is Broken and I'm Using a Wrench to Turn it on and It's Driving You Crazy

From the people who brought you “Men Are From Mars Women are From Venus” comes “My dryer knob is Broken I’m Using a Wrench to Turn it On and Off and that is driving you Crazy” Where we look at a simple domestic glitch and how the two sexes deal with it.
In one corner you have her a by product of German engineering. (Deutschland deutcheland plays in the background)
A woman of meticulous detail and efficiency who has broken things on her to do or replace list before you even notice the thing’s broken. The speed of light in her efficiency travels faster than his “I’ll get around to it.”
In the other corner a creative insanely inept dude who could care less, “why replace the knob when an old wrench turning the knob works just fine.” Maintenance is a four letter word to him.
She spends her days deliberating whether the court might consider it justifiable homicide to kill a man of such disorganization. He thinks home remedies that barely work are cute and makes something inanimate like a dryer come alive in a lifeless world. The wrench is old with chipped paint and he had it when he grew up and now he feels his youth every time he uses it.
“Dear remember when we had to use the wrench to turn the knob on the dryer.”
“I sure do you cheap bastard.”
Oh that’s nostalgia, one half reminiscing , the other half about to have a stroke.
In fact she’s exponentially upset since the wrench used to turn the knob barely worked. Broken with broken works in my world. It’s just more broken in hers.
He would be happy to have a two wrench system, the older wrench that helps the older wrench it would only add to the Charlie Chaplin like creativity he derives a strange joy from. In the interim deutscheland Deutschland only grows angrier at his ineptitude,
laziness and misplaced creative justification.
He will replace the knob since it bothers her so much but it makes him a little sad, in that the wrench system really reminds him to take nothing for granted not even a simple plastic fake metal looking knob .


The Democrats today all agreed to critical’ectomies.
The operation which involves removing the part of the brain that thinks, might be covered under a future universal health plan. In the spirit of a reversible vasectomy the Democrats reserve the right to reverse the operation and reanimate the critical portions of the brain if they cant come to a bipartisan agreement to cover the plan under universal health care.
Howard Dean was quoted “In this country You can be anyone you want to be. This country is built on hopes and dreams(plagiristically close to Jefferson Starship's "They built this city on rock n roll") Here a nobody can become a somebody.”
Needless to say Mr. Dean has already had the procedure. Later Howard Dean was seen munching on designer lettuce and doing awkward white guy dance moves to the Bill Clinton victory song “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

P.O.W Subprime problem

It’s clear the McCain camp is taking a page out of the Bush camp “would you please pass the mash potatoes no it wouldn’t be fair to the troops” strategy to deflect any criticism on any subject by wrapping yourself in the American flag.
Now with McCain it doesn’t matter he’s out of touch with how many houses he has as long as he spent five and half years in the most important of all, the P.O.W house.

The fact is with current credit conditions John McCain probably couldn’t have even gotten a mortgage on that house. Though to not let people forget he is suggesting a new economic indicator “New P.O.W Housing Starts”

I suggest he start a new time share concept where you spend two weeks in a nice condo in Aruba then two weeks in a lightless shack in Guantanamo bay

Trying to be hip John McCain was at a Kanye West concert and when asked after how he enjoyed the concert he made the “roof, the roof, the roof” gesture and reminded people he didn’t have the clearance to make that gesture in the POW camp.

Well I think everybody knows the old saying People in the POW camps shouldn’t throw stones at beer heiress condos.