Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Chopped Seweycide Hotline

What happens when a suicide hotline becomes crossed with a Chinese Take-Out Restaurant.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tasteless Copycat Ponzie Schemes include "Fonzie Investor scam"

With the Madoff Ponzie scheme possibly ripping off investors for 50 Billion dollars several tasteless copycat schemes are emerging including A "Fonzie investor scam" where an overage guy dressed up in leather saying "Aaayy" convinces you of double digit return on credit derivatives.
Another cheat sells you mortgages on Florida swampland that ironically turn out to be worth more than Miami condos.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Conspiracy Theories Abound About Shoe Throwing Incident

People are already circulating theories about what they consider the "real story" behind the Iraqi shoe thrower.
There is allegedly a "Shoe"pruder' film that shows 4 shoes thrown from different angles but two were intercepted by Secret Service Agents. Other people cling to the "single Odor Eater trajectory theory." While still others point to the ten sox found abandonned on the desert knoll as suggesting something greater at work here.
Some people are citing reports that the Iraqi journalist was trained at a comfortable footwear terrorist camp.
Another theory believes the whole thing was staged to try and win first prize on America's Funniest Videos but the President decided he would try and make it real to gain sympathy. A spinoff theory also claimed Dick Cheney shot a hunting buddy in the foot at the same time.
While still others point out there that if you take the film of the hurling shoes and put in super mo one shoe spun nine times and the other eleven times in addition the incident took place at 9:11 Iraqi time

Monday, December 15, 2008

"A Very Blagojevich Xmas"


Bush To Add Troops To Iraq To Fight Leather Uppers of Mass Destruction

After the President had two shoes hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter President Bush authorized sending 500,000 more troops to Iraq to "find and weed out the leather uppers of mass destruction"
The Secretary of Defense is looking into arming the troops with Kevlar shoehorns.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Illinois To Change State Seal to Eagle Behind Bars

With three of the last six governors imprisoned on corruption charges the State of Illinois has decided to place prison bars in front of the bald eage that graces the official State Seal.
The state is also considering putting a key in the eagles mouth which it could drop to the incarcerated officials as a symbol of freedom.
There are also plans to change its license plate slogan from "Land of Lincoln" to "Live Free or Behind Bars Whichever Comes First."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Blagojevich Rewrites "Fucking Golden" Rule

The governor/philosopher Ron Blagojevich has put out a timely pamphlet "Try to Sell Onto Others as Others Try to Sell You What's Rightfully Yours"
The Governor interrupted his busy schedule to go out and film a Public Service Announcement "Let go of My Blago" the interaction of waffles and sexual molestation in prison.

Blagojevich Offered Senate Seat on Ebay

Going by the alias of seller "blagdollarovich" the governor was hoping to get a multi-million dollar bid by an ambitious rich person. The bidding got up to three hundred thousand by "corruptdude" and "sleezywheezy" before ebay yanked the auction.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Auto Executives Try Old Sales Tactics for Bailout Money

Rick Wagoner started his plea for an emergency aide with “Whats it gonna take to get you behind this 25 billion bailout roadster”
He then went on to say enthusiastically “today everybody gets bailed out. I wont even run a credit check on the U.S government."
And if he got the bailout money by the end of the day he would personally throw in a free rust coating of the aging U.S infrastructure.
The Ford CEO offered full blue book trade in value on the old bailout proposal.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

GM Ceo Says He has To Run Any Bailout Offers by His Regional Manager

GM Ceo Rick Wagoner informed congress that any bailout package offered to GM is contigent on acceptance by his regional manager who just happens to be in the office today.
He may tell me okay "only cash, no credit and it has to happen in the next two hours"

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Disney to Offer "Pirates off The African Coast" Cruises

In the if you can beat em join em school of vacation packages, The Disney company has announced a series of new cruises where actual pirates hijack the cruise boat, hold you captive and terrorize you for the entire one week cruise.
You have a choice of different terror packages including “late night dinner seating with machete held to your neck”
Or “High Seas Musical 4” in which Somali 8 year olds with machine guns get you to dance.
The cost of the cruise does not include any additional ransom charges.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bush Trampled to Death in Race to Leave White House

After hearing all the upcoming after Xmas bargains and lucrative consulting contracts, the White House staff accidentally trampled the 43rd President to death.
“They had a Samsung 52 inch plasma for under $1500. When you shoot a guys face off it looks like you are there actually shooting a guys face off “ said an excited Cheney.
"I heard I could get $100,000 an appearance and I don’t know what came over me. I just couldn’t get out of there fast enough” said a stunned Condoleeza Rice.
Due to tough economic times The President will be laid to rest in Costco coffin.