Monday, September 29, 2008

401-K Plans to Change Name to 'K'

With the recent stock market plunge and decimation of 401k accounts, many brokerage houses are now changing the names of the retirement account to just "K" since most accounts are roughly worth 1000 dollars. Some clients at Merrill Lynch are opting for 12 boxes of Special K in exchange for the financial assets.

Palin to Watch Several Episodes of the Cartoon "Bullwinke" to Prepare For the Upcoming Debate

Palin justified spending her precious time watching cartoons in a recent statement:
"Boris and Natasha were thinly veiled Russians chasing a moose. Here in Alaska we can relate to this central metaphor of failed cartoon diplomacy, okay maybe not so much a metaphor since I have personally seen from my patio several Russians chasing a moose. "

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hank Paulson to Appear on Wheaties Box

Hank Paulson, the chief architect of the Federal Bailout Program will be honored by appearing on an upcoming Wheaties box. The box will contain two coupons that can be redeemed for equity ownership in major banks.
"We want to make it quite clear that we are not including the milk in this deal" said a beaming Mr. Paulson

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Palin Bailout Plan includes Exchanging Moosepelts For Credit Derivatives

Minimizing the impact of the stock market crash Sarah Palin unveiled a bailout plan today that would take the credit derivatives of Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs and trade them for moose pelts.
"Think of them as financial instruments with fur. These were the currency of our Alaskan forefathers. They must have known something."

Monday, September 15, 2008

Google To Offer Blog'oscopy

For those who believe their external observations, random witticisms, and sensitive personal stories aren’t enough, giant Internet Firm Google will allow you to blog “what’s going on” with your internal organs.
The strategicly placed webcam will let people know what you are up to, dissect your political beliefs while checking for polyps.
New features include “colon sharing”
“liver as giver” (blood based wish lists)
As well as Comments from the pancreas.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

New Improved Poligrip Helps Politicians Lie Through Their Teeth

New Poligrip holds dentures and fixed perceptions in place, so politicians can lye through their teeth.
No kernels of corn or truth, will come between you and those aging men running for office.
There is no slippage with those silly complexities of issues made popular by apple eating liberals.
No oozing of facts.
New Poligrip forms a barrier that even the hot immigration debate can’t permeate.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

ABC in Talks with Sarah Palin to star in "Fascists Housewives"

A spokeman for ABC described it as a spin off of 'Desperate Housewives' except we will replace promiscuity with book burning and aerial wolf hunting.

Karl Rove to remake Famous 'Deliverance' Scene to "Squeal Like a Democrat"

Capitalizing on the liptick on the pig furor Karl Rove has secured the rights to the film 'Deliverance' and plans via a 527 ad to dub the audio in the famous sodomy scene to “Squeal like a Democrat.”
“Go on squeal. Squeal. Squeal like a democrat.”
"I'm not sure on whether the sodomizer will be applying lipstick, we are running that idea before several focus groups" added Mr. Rove.
Rumors suggest that Todd Palin, may have a walk on part as one of the woodsman. His wife Sarah, the VP nominee, may have a cameo as a chained pit-bull.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

"Die Harder So You Can Come Back as a Janitor"

What if John MacClean/John McCain of "Die Hard" fame teamed up with Shirley MacClean of past lives therapy fame? Their next film might be "Die Harder So You Come Back as a Janitor"

Sarah Palin Scores -450 On Celebrity Jeopardy After She Refuses to Put Her Answers in Question Form

Palin defended her score “I’m under strict instructions not to answer any questions period and putting your answers in question form is just too close to answering a question. It seems like another liberal trick of the left wing media."
It’s reported that Palin later turned down a guest spot on “Whose Line is It Anyway?” adding “I refuse to take part in a show that celebrates Plagiarism.”

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

McCain's Emergency Housing Bailout Plan to Give Each Lower Income Family a House from the Game 'Monopoly'

“Its not so much a piece of plastic to put over your head as it is a symbol of the American Dream. Plus if times get really tough you can mortgage it and get back half your investment which is in this case nothing.”
McCain went on to add that Sarah Palin does now indeed have foreign policy experience after landing several times on Baltic and Mediterranean Ave.

Suggestions for Bush to Secure Spot as Worse President in History

I sure hope he doesn’t blow this rare opportunity:
Forget off shore drilling. Drill aggressively on the San Andreas fault so people can have natural gas right in their backyards.
Confuse the Timetable for the Troop Withdrawl in Iraq with an Amtrak timetable for D.C trains to Baltimore.
Set up a committee to establish waterboarding as a new Olympic sport for the 2012 games.
Endorse a new product ‘WMD 40’ that helps lubricate Weapons of Mass destruction.
Let Dick Cheney blow the faces off of the Presidents on Mt Rushmore by using a super big shotgun funded by the NRA.
Put up a giant volleyball net in-between the treacherous Pakistani Afghan border and challenge Al Quaida to a best two of out three match.
Take the hardline “we will do everything we need to be tough in Russia. We are going to “Razz” Putin"
Create new image for Freddie Mac by changing its name to Billy Jack.
Stage a Dirty Dancing Farewell party in the Oval office with Ryan Seacrest as the Host.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sarah Palin claims Foreign Policy experience after replacing State Farm Insurance with Chinese Insurance.

"I read the document cover to cover and now understand the diplomatic nuances of Szechwan collision vs Mongolian collision. I am also well versed in what’s considered a Sunni act of God vs a Shi’ite act of God, though I embrace neither God."

Sarah Palin Explains Whole New Way of Life entitled "Rec'Creationism"

The Vice Presidential nominee explained further in an interview:

"The Lord intended for us to enjoy the outdoors.
First God created light to allow us to see while Aerial wolf hunting.
Then God put forth the ATV so we can chase down bears (one of his creatures) till they are exhausted and ready to die.
On the third day God put scopes on rifles to help us see where we can’t.
On the fourth day God created bowling to show us which Presidential candidates are strong and which candidates are weak.
On the fifth day God created the sea teeming with creatures and those creatures told us where to drill.
On the sixth day God created man and woman in 'her tight hugging camouflage pants' image.
On the seventh day God kicked back and had a cold one."

Sunday, September 7, 2008

McCain Broad Housing Recovery Plan Allows Families To Live In Three of His Four Houses or Maybe Six of his Seven Houses, Whatever.

McCain spoke to the National Economists Society “By allowing between 1 and 6 families with foreclosures depending on my latest residence count, to live in my houses we should make a significant dent in the housing problem.”

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Palin To Woo Christ Killing Voting Block

Sarah Palin in a Miami Beach retirement home told reporters “I want to address the needs and concerns of these slayers of the Messiah. In addition to controlling the media and the International Monetary system we need them to make it to Washington.
John McCain and I are mavericks just as in Roman times the Jews were mavericks in crucifying the Son of God.
God Bless them."

Friday, September 5, 2008

Change, Change, Change, Change of Fools

Where is Aretha Franklin when you need her?

John McCain aide says “6.1% record unemployment rate has good personality.”

The McCain spokesman elaborated "It’s not about the fact more Americans than ever are out of work, the unemployed will decide their next president based on the “character and toughness” of those jobs that aren’t there. Some of those non existent jobs might have laid down their jobs for this country."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sarah Palin To Change CSpan to C Section Channel if she Wins the White House

"I have new bold plans for the media. Cspan is boring and does nothing to reinforce family values" says the never shy Sarah.
"A channel that features Ceaserean sections interspersed with Congressional hearings, that is the kind of America I want to live in."

Republicans and Democrats Working on Bipartisan bill to tell the truth

The bill is tentatively entitled “America First and American Samoa second.”
Other titles being floated around include “The Bridge to Somewhere that is Truth and not Nowhere”
But neither party is hopeful their plan will make it even out of committee.
It is been stalled by filibusters and Dairy Queen’s Peanut Butter Parfait Busters up to now
So far both parties have agreed the plan would involve attaching lie detectors to their tongues whenever addressing the public.
In anticipation of the bill passing each party is searching for future presidential candidates that have had their tongues cut out.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Republicans to Shoot Down Balloons at End of Convention

Thinking it may galvanize the NRA base the Republicans have decided to issue assault rifles to all their delegates and shoot down the red,white and blue balloons released at the end of the convention.
"There will be coupons inside the balloons for special prizes like a kevlar bible or a mooseburger shake" said one delegate spokesman.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Todd Palin, If Wife Elected Plans to Market "Rednecktar" Wine

Todd Palin, the husband of Sarah Palin, who was arrested for a DUI in 1986 said he will market his own special wine "RedNecktar" if his wife wins in November.
"If it worked for Billy Carter with Billy Beer so I can do it too. Nobody can take it away from me unless I'm driving"

McCain reveals first choice for VP was God but the Lord Didn't survive vetting Process

An interoffice memo of the McCain campaign reveals that their first choice for a Vice Presidential running mate was God. But during the vetting process McCain aides "came across some questionable geological practices during the Mesozoic era."
Further scrutiny revealed "some liberal leaning on the Creationism issue'
and the Lord questioning Genghis Kahn pro life stance despite his raping and looting.
We were excited about the possibility of putting God directly on the ticket but we're scared it might distract from some of the issues, therefore we choose a mooseburger eating, gun toting, snowmobile queen as a God surrogate.

Palin now describes herself as "Tonsil Hockey" Mom

Given the latest disclosure about her daughters pregnancy and promuscuity Sarah Palin is calling herself a "Tonsil Hockey mom" instead of a plain old "Hockey mom"

Palin Claims Daughters Child Immaculate Conception

Sarah Palin claims her daughter never had sex but was visited by the son of God during her "American History" class.
"We were studying the U.S constitution and I felt something funny" said the daughter.