Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Paulson Discovers He Can Fold Over The Tarp and Double the Bailout

In a startling revelation Treasury Secretary Paulson awoke in the middle of the night and realized by folding over the TARP he could double the bailout package plus carry leaves at the same time.
After some warm milk Mr. Paulson, in desperate search for paper, scribbled an idea on the back of an Egg Beater's carton. "If I gave the people plastic ponchos maybe that would stimulate consumer spending"

Monday, November 24, 2008

Jewish Screen Actors 'Gelt' Decides Not To Strike

Breaking ranks with their breathren, the organized group of Jewish actors decided it was wrong to interrupt their work at this important time of year. Chanukah re-enactments and 'CSI Miami Collins Ave' are just hitting their strides. Plus the hot new cop show "Law and Menorah" which features detectives infiltrating street gangs by lighting candles and singing israeli folk songs, is just hitting its stride.
The 'Gelt' is also excited about the buzz around the vigilantee thriller "D.D.D.I.M.Y.O.O.C.A.N.Y.W.P. "
"Dradle, Dradle, Dradle, I Made You Out of Clay And Now You Will Pay"

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Candidate Accidentally Euthanized During "Vetting" Process

Little known congressman Gus Rabidowitz (Independent-Vermont) was being examined for the post of the Secretary of the Interior.
After being de-wormed and de-clawed Mr. Rabidowitz was put under to have his teeth cleaned and answer some important questions on radical past involvements with PETA . Apparently Obama administration officials administerred the anasthetic (i.e truth serum) for the equivalent of a two hundred pound german Shepard and put Mr. Rabidowitz to sleep forever, but not before disqualifying him for a cabinet post.
Obama people claim his hip displexia and leftist views were so extreme that they did Mr. Rabidowitz a favor.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Emergency Bank Bail Out Plan to Turn Banks Into Iron and Shape Them Like a Pig

One of the new bank bailout plans being considered by the Obama administration includes converting the banks to iron and shaping them like a giant pig.
The Obama official elaborated on the beauty of the plan:
"How much credit derivative exposure could a giant iron pig have?
If foreign banks decide to pull their money out of the U.S the giant iron pig might show up on their doorstep in which FDIC and treasury officials might hide and run amok when unnoticed.
Plus there would be no muslim money laundering in a trife shaped institution.
And If the banks fail we could melt down the iron which might be able to cover the worth of the deposits."

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Brokerage Companies To Make 401 K Statements Out of Smelling Salts

So now when you look at the statement and pass out your loved ones can run the statement beneath your nose to revive you.
Other possibilities being looked at by investment firms include a free 401 K defibrillator when your account falls below a certain value to shock you back into poverty; as well as the option of the firm to change your 401 K to a KKK statement to so enrage you, you focus on the racism and forget about your depressing finances.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Obama Deals with Joe "Fredo" Lieberman

Despite backing John McCain, Barack Obama has forgiven Joe Lieberman and let Lieberman retain leadership of his committee. Obama made clear to his aides that nothing should happen to Joe Lieberman while Barack is in office. After that Obama will personally see to it that Lieberman takes a nice fishing trip out in a private lake.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Yes We Coin

Already there is a Barack Obama coin. The "Inaugural Dollar" layered in 24K gold is already being offered by a lesser known late night mint. Outraged Republicans are already calling it "a sign of the socialist state. What kind of nation would put its President on its currency" and wondering when you flip it " if it's heads on one side and a terrorist pal on the other"
The Dollar Coin does come with a certificate of authenticity signed by Joe The Plumber.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Palin "I Have Been Offered Millions to Publish My Armoires"

Speaking at a press conference Palin went on to elaborate
"We are looking at all kinds of book deals including Highlights magazine
where the kids could hear my inspirational story, dress Sarah Palin and try and find their way out of a maze all at the same time."
Also reportedly on the table we are lucrative flip picture book offers where Sarah guts a moose, blows up an abortion clinic and drills in her friends backyards, all the while winking.
She denied rumors of writing a scathing look at Obama entitled "Some of My Best Friends Are Terrorists."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Palin Calls RNC "Aerial Wolfe Hunters in Sheep's Clothing"

Showing the stress of a rigorous campaign Palin went onto add "The Republican National Committee was so eager to dress me and have people salivate over me but couldn't stand the heat so they need to get out of the kitchen and in the kitchen they need to cook onto others as others cook onto you. But silence is golden."
None the less this hasn't stopped Palin's future plans for a line of clothing
"Ya hey dere" which features blue jeans made of tundra, belts made from gun parts and petroleum based tube tops.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

General Motor Unveils Their Car of the Future the “Obsolete”.

General Motor unveils their car of the future the “Obsolete”.
Deciding to embrace their weaknesses rather than deny them General Motors showed off their new model currently in production.
A spokesman for the company boasted about some of the features
"The Obsolete’s interior is designed like a giant cup holder since that seemed to be the biggest concern of consumers. We felt beverage ergonomics was more important than leg room.
It does get terrible mileage but more importantly your ipod does work in the gas tank if you accidentally drop it in there while refueling.
Gm plans to have the Obsolete in showrooms just around the time they file for bankruptcy. But the spokesman was quick to add the new prototype for the “We’re Fucked’ sedan and convertible will make its debut at the January Auto show.

General Motors To Buy Back Their Common Stock with Change Found In-between The Seats

The company is asking employees to help its sagging stock price by using the change underneath and in-between seats of their GM cars to buy the common stock of the company.
“When you have to ask yourself Mickey D’s dollar menu or major ownership in GM please choose the later,” begged the contact in charge of investor relations.
This comes after the failed “Help GM Kids and Stock” displays in laundry mats didn’t bring in anticipated revenues.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Bin Laden's Son To Star in New Reality Show "So You Think You can Live Here'

After being denied entry into Egypt, the third country to reject the so called "Ambassador of Peace" Omar Osama bin Laden held a press conference to announce he has signed a contract with the makers of "Survivor" to star in a new show "So You Think You can Live Here" in which the controversial figure seeks asylum in countries around the world by performing special dance moves native to that country.
Each week the leaders of major nations will have to decide whether to vote him off the planet or let him live in their country for one week until the next show airs. The Bush Administration has already circulated a memo warning officials not to fall for his macarana moves however adorable they may be.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Hobo Futures Soar After Unemployment Report

After this mornings dismal November Unemployment Report
the hobo futures trading floor "is frenetic, limit up" according to Sid "Find Me a Home" Stein. Mr. Stein continued "I took everything I had (which was nothing) and bet that the value of the homeless would increase or decrease depending on your perspective. This leaves me where I began homeless."
added Mr. Stein before leaving the trading floor to hop the 8:08 Freight Train to Kankakee.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

New York Times Publishes "No Exit" Polls

In its never ending quest to be erudite and parade its intelligence to the nth degree, the
York Times published ‘No exit’ polls taken on Election day.
Some of the highlights included:
15% said they had no faith in the future and they were suffocating on their past.
Of whites with a college education 35% realized nothing could change the unalterable weight of their mortality and most spent five hours in the voting booth staring at the senseless fluorescent lighting of the white void .
Of those making over $100,000, 50% voted to descend into the plus leather nothingness of a New Infinity.

Republicans Claim Scientific Proof Democratic Tears of Joy Last Night Were Elitist Tears

After electing the first black american to office and revitalizing their hopes Democrats and millions of people cried for hours last night
Republicans got a hold of those tears and have had them scientifically analyzed. They claim their composition yielded the following results:
20% Jamba juice
20% Harvard law review
20% Ionized Purified Belgian Spring water
20% The Amalgamated 1005 Elitist Union Refrigerator magnets
20% Yes We Can Oil of Cloves

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Obama Once the Devil But Redistributed His Horns

Reaching for whatever these days the McCain camp claims Obama was once the devil but did in fact redistribute his horns to less fortunate devils.
Said one McCain spokesman "Millions of Americans share the Satanic dream of ruling darkness with modest projections from their head and Senator Obama wants to ruin this."

McCain Camp Claims Obama the Illegitimate Son of Joe and Eugene McCarthy

As part of its 'anything goes' strategy, the McCain camp now claims Obama's gay Fathers were in fact Joe McCarthy, the man who made a living bringing down alleged communists and Eugene McCarthy, the former ultra liberal who ran for President.
The McCain aide went on to elaborate "Any affiliation with Joe McCarthy even as his son makes me believe the child was under suspicion for questionable unpatriotic activities. The fact one of his gay fathers was an ultra liberal I believe says it all."