Monday, August 9, 2010

How as A Miserable Person I Become Happy When the Chicago Cubs Lose

In this complex world of “static kills” and aerial wolf hunting politicians with potential brother in laws named Levi, there is one refreshing constant, the Chicago Cubs losing record.

The heartbreak of psoriasis seems like a full body massage in relation to watching them squander a 5 run eighth inning lead. It’s a thing of tragic beauty.
If you ever have an identity crisis “Who am I?” Then catch the Cub score.
“Oh yeah now I remember”
If you feel you’ve accomplished nothing in life, that you are just killing time eating sandwiches waiting for a terminal illness, granted with the comfort of multiple movie channels, you can’t help but to feel considerably better about your lack of life when you consider the hundred year plus drought of the Chicago cubs not winning a World Series.
It’s the sports equivalent of the 1930’s dust bowl. A blue pin stripe dust bowl with young men called up from Iowa and fly balls lost in ivy walls.

If misery loves company then the North Siders are like the guest that never leaves.
I don’t think of myself as unemployed my job is to watch them walk in the winning run.
My job is to witness the joyful side of the loveable losers.

No accident their web site is littered with ads for the lottery. You and I both know where the odds are better.
They are currently 15 games under 500. This is the emotional equivalent of crying during an anti depression commercial.
Maybe those commercials should really say, you don’t need drugs if you are feeling bad just turn to channel 9 around 1 in the afternoon.
Yet the team changed hands last year for nearly a billion dollars.
I wonder if would they be worth less if they won.
If they are sacrificial lambs on the field to make us feel better about ourselves off the field, well they do a fine job. The Chicago Cubs “the feel bad hence feel good hit of the year"

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Not Things That Make You Go Hmmm But Things That Make You Go What The Fuck

One moment your playing baseball as a kid and you’re running the bases in slow motion and the next moment you’re waiting for biopsy results, Not things that make you go hmmm but things that make you go what the fuck.

Your 16 and your told you can do anything you want, the world is your Pre BP oil spill oyster but before you know it you’re spending your time and energy plotting ways to get some frustrated editor to take five minutes to read something of yours which by the time they finally do you realize is not that important or worth your ridiculous persistence.
But as they read they chip their tooth on their macadamia nut brittle and they reject and curse everything you have ever written cause your name immediately reminds them of root canal. Not things that make you go hmmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

You skip and laugh, all excited, taking your allowance to the drug store to buy some penny candy. Your biggest pressure in life is which candy to buy.
Now that penny candy cost you thousands in diabetes treatments and your allowance comes in the form of medicare which you travel down to the mailbox in your hoveround swearing at every piece of gravel you encounter on the way there.
Not things that make you go hmmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

On television people are dancing and jumping up in the air from the joy of buying cars.
Now on television 300 pd nasty looking guys with tattoos wrestle you to the ground to as you try and stop them repossessing those same cars, not things that make you go hmmm,things that make you go what the fuck.

One second the woman you live with is “muffin, wuffin, love and light of my life” have you seen that magic wand I change the channels with
Then its hey you who has the ass of some goddamn weird shaped baking product, have you seen the fucking remote .
Not things that make you hmmm, things that make you go what the fuck.

Your 21 you tilt your head towards the and the sky is full of a million stars with the depth of possibility and the wonder of other worlds, 20 years later and after you barely manage to get out of car at night wrestling with chronic back pain you tilt your pulled muscle head its not to examine the heavens but activate your motion sensitive lights that blare out the stars like a suburban nuke..
Not things that make you go hmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

One moment you’re a treasure hunter looking for gold and fossils by the creek
then you’re in a ragged t shirt and dentures with a metal detector looking for nickles in the mud. Not things that make you go hmmm
things that make you go what the fuck.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Best Ways to Plug the Oil Spill

Have Paul Bunyan take Viagra and plug it with his four hour erection.

Make it a team project for Sharon Osbourne and Barbara Streisand in “Oil Spill Apprentice “

Dump a million nascar beer koozies in there.

Have one of the well enhanced women from a Go Daddy commercial reach down to pick up a gold medallion off the ocean floor

Tell Kanye West that Taylor Swift is getting a MTV award at the site of the spill and he will show up and all his bling will plug the hole.

Convince Studio executives to do a film about teenage oil sucking vampires.

Let BP executives explain the oil leak is not as bad if viewed with 3D glasses

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Tiger Woods Paradox How Hookers Could Become Mother Theresa's.

If every time a very rich high profile celebrity scewed up (so to speak) they would have to give half their life's savings to the World Hunger Project we would not only forgive them we would commend them. In fact we would hope for them to fuck up.
Think about it wouldn't you like to see Tiger fuck everybody in sight if it resulted in saving thousands upon thousands of children.
This is a new kind of reverse morality that deals with the reality that people make mistakes. They will always make mistakes but if they receive hundreds of millions of dollars for being held to a different standard, take that money and do good with it. In that sense hookers are all really Mother Theresa's.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Indictment Party

Illinois has produced an articulate extremely intelligent President but now I think its time to go back to our roots.
Its time for the creation of a new party that embraces our long history and tendency towards corruption. This party, well lets call it “the Indictment” party.
Qualified candidates must have a class 1 felony and be at least under investigation for one count of racketeering.
If there are any real names on the petitions of registered voters, the candidates will be immediately disqualified.
This party will give a face to the prostitutes, not hide them away.
The press secretaries for the candidates must be investigative reporters looking into things like where did the money go for blue jean day.
For the indictment party to accuse is to show you care.

The state of the union will be delivered behind bars. The state license plate would feature a graphic of a prisoner making the state license plate.

The wives of candidates will stand by their men through thick and thin and only be allowed to divorce the men if they are faithful and don’t cheat on them.
A special press conference might go a little like this
complete with a tear strewn face the wife musters the courage to speak:
“In the Fall of 2008 I have learned my husband did not sleep with anyone but me. For myself, my children and the good of the party I have no choice but to leave him.
I believed in the promiscuity of the women of Argentina but they have let me down and more importantly have let you, the voters down.”

All bids submitted to the government agencies must be transparent and posted on the internet and by transparent I mean-
Yes the bids must contain why they should be allowed to make the buses, but more importantly who will get the kickbacks and the kickbacks must be earmarked for further corrupt activities like opening a chain of massage parlors, then blackmailing the alderman who frequent them.
For the indictment party “Pay it sleazy” replaces “Pay It Forward”

Saturday, February 6, 2010

New Excuses Jon Edwards Has for His Behavior

His girlfriend was an avatar he needed to sleep with so he could save the world from a band of cheating nymphomaniacs.

The sex tape was made to raise money for the Haiti earthquake victims and we’ll be released with his upcoming feel good song“We fuck the world”

He wore a pink ribbon while he slept with the woman to raise money for his wife’s breast cancer.

In addition to lewd sex acts he also discusses the dangers of global warming on the tape.