Friday, October 23, 2009

Kanye West Swears He Owns Illegal Guns

Upset about all the publicity Lil Wayne is getting after the illegal gun charges Kanye West is stepping forward.
At a recent press conference Kanye rambled and spouted:
"I own several guns, none of which are registered. Pull me over I dare you.
The police are scared of me. I thought for sure my "My Other Gun Isnt legally Registered Either" bumper sticker would make me a player.
Hell I eat .40-calibre semi-automatic's for breakfast.
In fact when I interrupted Taylor Swift I was packing. I really wanted to say Beyonce's firearms are the best but I didnt want to get her in trouble.
And you know when Plaxico Burris accidentally shot himself.
That was my gun in his pants and no he wasn't just happy to see me.
I supply most of the hip hop and rapper world with their pieces.
You see I'm a firm believer in gun control. There are lots of guns and I control them."

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Republicans Claim Dems Considering Public vs Private Euthanasia Option

In what is being called scare tactics some Republican senators claim the Democrats are considering giving the public choice of Euthanasia options.
A little know Republican Wyoming senator pointed out this may put private Euthanasia entities out of business. "We need to create an even playing field even if we are burying people under that field"

Monday, October 19, 2009

New Reality show to Feature Publicity Stunts for New Reality Show

In the lastest life imitates art imitating life imitating a parakeet imitating life Fox has announced a new reality show, "Reality Shmeeality" that features everyday joe Sixpacks and Betty 24 packs who stage elaborate hoaxes in the hope of getting on the air.
Inspired by the recent balloon fiasco some of the stories in development include a young boy who has fallen down a hole in the factory where they make the "Clapper" and all the workers clap out songs to find him including "Day Tripper" and "Yellow submarine" on loan from the Michael Jackson catalog. He is eventually found by a young Mexican worker clapping out the Macarena and it turns out the worker is illegal and is profiled on 48 Hours "Whose Job is it Anyways?"
Another scenario has octomom taking a snorkeling trip and fighting for the rites to saltwater with Octopus (a jelly verterbrae'd fish) with triplet tentacles on the way. Octomom is eventually overtaken by SpongeBobSquarePants who forces out Octomom in a dress design competition.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Obama Receives Oscar

The Academy gave the President an Oscar in "one of the most admirable and respected films yet to be made."
The Academy went on to say "We know how skilled he will be when he hits the silver screen and this is a vote of confidence that he will beat out Hugh Jackman and Leonardo DiCaprio as well as Jack Nicholson's gritty comeback vehicle."

Monday, October 5, 2009

Real Reasons Chicago Didn't Get The Olympics

Real Reasons Chicago Didn’t Get the Olympics:

During the Presentation all the Chicago delegates were chewing on toothpicks.

The logo of the Beefy Ribs encapsulating the city didn’t cut it.

The Olympic committee wasn’t impressed by the video showing a flaming arrow lighting up the giant Foam Finger of the Number 1

The five Olympic ring of Deep Dish Pizza was too heavy on the sausage.

Mayor Daley gave each of the Olympic Voting members a GAF Viewmaster
to present his vision of the future.

The video of how the lakefront might appear in 2016 including Man eating Asian carp.

The Chicago delegation just assumed dead members of the Olympic committee would be part of the voting.

In a quest to match the color and passion of the Brazilian dancer’s presentation, the Chicago committee left the actual peacock on their festive headdress of feathers.

The Olympic voting committee didn’t bite on their competitive slogan
“Chicago: We put the Carny in Carnivale.”

Saturday, September 19, 2009

New Strain of Chim Chimney H1N2 Chimney Flue Spreads

Chim, Chimney, Chim Chimney H1N2 has been turning up in rural areas across the country. The virus is created while making smores in cozy cabins and simultaneously watching Mary Poppins.
"The graham crackers, chocolate and vision of a flying nanny all blend to confuse cells to the point of virulent Hell" said Chimney Sweep and Immunologist Johnny Vasclowitz.
He went on to add "A transfusion of creasote with a I.V marshmellow drip
seems to be the only cure."
Scientists are hard at work to find a vaccine to fight the strain.
"We are getting some early good results with soot DNA. Also we are synthesizing the essence of weenies on sticks and getting some encouraging results." We just hope it doesnt mutate into something we can't get our arms around"
People infected often find themselves vomiting and singing at the same time and experience the need to buy several umbrellas.
This new strain of flu is not to be confused with the R2D2 Star Wars strain of flu reported to be planted by Lucas Studios.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Existensialist Movement Revived by Obama Health Care Debate

With the Obama administration insisting private companies cover "pre-existing conditions" Existensialism is enjoying a new found popularity.
"Not only is your current existence meaningless but before you even existed there still existed a lack of any meaning whatsoever. The fact that governments wants to address this says existensialism is now mainstream" says Helmut Stutgard, philosopher who is homeless but survives the streets of Berlin selling his Schnitzel art.
Stutgard went on to add that "God in fact may not even be dead but faking it to eliminate any costly Death Panel debates"

Republicans Fight Health Care Reform with Popular Country Songs

Striking a chord in middle America, Republicans have hired country western stars to rewrite popular country western songs to fight the Obama Health Care plan.
Some of the new songs include:
"Grandma got run over by A Reindeer Hired by a Death Panel."
"She has Betty Davis Eyes, Literally thats all she could afford."
"Doctor Doctor give me the news I have a bad case of the Government Option Blues."
"Jesus Take the Wheel and Please Run Some Errands for Me, I'm in a Line Around the Block Waiting for Basic Health Care."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Auto Neurotic Asphyxiation

I’m sure many of you have heard about David Carridines death by what is most likely auto erotic asphyxiation. With a jewish mother I have to wonder what would upset her more plain old suicide or accidental death by masturbation. I think the latter would be more upsetting because she might for a second say my god the catholics were right it is a sin.
Course in my case it would more likely be auto neurotic asphyxiation where Im suffocated to death by my worries. See I don’t need any rope applied to strategic places or cellophane bags.
Eventually I’m so overwhelmed by my worries I cannot breathe; therefore I have no sexual desire whatsoever and I feel completely satisfied.
For me its all about heightening the intensity of my worries. There are several techniques used:
Like listening to my familys latest problems.
“Joel Your sister is a manic depressive, your brother a borderline schizophrenic and your dad was depressed the last ten years of his life.”
I like to turn the lights down low I can lay out my overdraft notices on the satin bedspread.
What often works for me as an aphrodisiac is examining the six month old expired presccription of Viagra.
Or Light a candle by the bathtub and check the latest stock market quotes in a severe recession.
Or ask my girlfriend how she feels about me and listen to the silence, the awkard terrible silence. You know the crickets chirping. At least you want to know how the crickets feel about you.
Instead of talking dirty I can get off hearing her tell me how disgusting my living conditions are.
One sure method for arousal is to check the internet for the 18 fatal diseases that perfectly fit my symptoms.
At this point I am such a quivering, frightened mess, well I feel good. I feel manly.
After my twelve days of recuperation in the local sanitarium Im already thinking about the next round of auto neurotic asphyxiation.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama Endorses "Ronco OathMaster 2000"

Coming off an embarassing foul up while taking the Presidential Oath, the President made his first commercial endorsement for the OathMaster 2000
which electronically renews his oath of office every 72 hours.
"In this time, in this moment I covered my ass, thanks Ronco" the President told the country.
The product works through phone lines "Press 1 if you do solemnly swear" or on a computer as an automatic "refresh" to the oath.
A spokesman for the Company was enthusiastic.
"We can't wait till 2012 till we have a shot at a another sale"