Auto Neurotic Asphyxiation

I’m sure many of you have heard about David Carridines death by what is most likely auto erotic asphyxiation. With a jewish mother I have to wonder what would upset her more plain old suicide or accidental death by masturbation. I think the latter would be more upsetting because she might for a second say my god the catholics were right it is a sin.
Course in my case it would more likely be auto neurotic asphyxiation where Im suffocated to death by my worries. See I don’t need any rope applied to strategic places or cellophane bags.
Eventually I’m so overwhelmed by my worries I cannot breathe; therefore I have no sexual desire whatsoever and I feel completely satisfied.
For me its all about heightening the intensity of my worries. There are several techniques used:
Like listening to my familys latest problems.
“Joel Your sister is a manic depressive, your brother a borderline schizophrenic and your dad was depressed the last ten years of his life.”
I like to turn the lights down low I can lay out my overdraft notices on the satin bedspread.
What often works for me as an aphrodisiac is examining the six month old expired presccription of Viagra.
Or Light a candle by the bathtub and check the latest stock market quotes in a severe recession.
Or ask my girlfriend how she feels about me and listen to the silence, the awkard terrible silence. You know the crickets chirping. At least you want to know how the crickets feel about you.
Instead of talking dirty I can get off hearing her tell me how disgusting my living conditions are.
One sure method for arousal is to check the internet for the 18 fatal diseases that perfectly fit my symptoms.
At this point I am such a quivering, frightened mess, well I feel good. I feel manly.
After my twelve days of recuperation in the local sanitarium Im already thinking about the next round of auto neurotic asphyxiation.

Obama Endorses "Ronco OathMaster 2000"

Coming off an embarassing foul up while taking the Presidential Oath, the President made his first commercial endorsement for the OathMaster 2000
which electronically renews his oath of office every 72 hours.
"In this time, in this moment I covered my ass, thanks Ronco" the President told the country.
The product works through phone lines "Press 1 if you do solemnly swear" or on a computer as an automatic "refresh" to the oath.
A spokesman for the Company was enthusiastic.
"We can't wait till 2012 till we have a shot at a another sale"

Last Minute Inauguration Recipes including "Yes We Clams"

Cheney Back Ribs and Much much more.

http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/inauguration_recipes_MP3.mp3

Half Ton Palooza

What happens when you watch back to back "Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Mom, Half Ton Dad"
http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/half_ton_MP3.mp3

Ronco Presents "Great Thinkers of All Time"

Fat Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity, DesGroceryCartes, plus Neitzsche for children.
http://media.libsyn.com/media/spentcattle/ronco_presents_great_thinkers_MP3.mp3

Chopped Seweycide Hotline

What happens when a suicide hotline becomes crossed with a Chinese Take-Out Restaurant.
http://spentcattle.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=417809

Tasteless Copycat Ponzie Schemes include "Fonzie Investor scam"

With the Madoff Ponzie scheme possibly ripping off investors for 50 Billion dollars several tasteless copycat schemes are emerging including A "Fonzie investor scam" where an overage guy dressed up in leather saying "Aaayy" convinces you of double digit return on credit derivatives.
Another cheat sells you mortgages on Florida swampland that ironically turn out to be worth more than Miami condos.