Monday, May 28, 2012

Let's Ask The Fucked Up Sage!

I’m sure many of you know people who offer wisdom and insight on a variety of things but are themselves incredibly screwed up. This doesn’t negate the things they say it doesn’t even make them hypocrites. It just makes life more entertaining.

So Let's go ask The Fucked Up Sage.

Fucked up sage you have known me for a long time. Do I always seem discontent in relationships and never satisfied.?

Well you might have gone a bit overboard when you set up the video camera capture of him leaving the toilet seat down with the dramatic Wagner sound track, but all in all you have surrounded yourself with extremely weak and helpless neurotic men so you might have a reason to be discontent.

Thanks Fucked up Sage.

(The Fucked Up sage did three to five years for petty larceny. His longest relationship has been in the grocery store check out line where he asked a woman in front of her what she was going to do with three cartons of Hamms beer and a box of Depends)

Let's ask the Fucked Up Sage

Fucked Up Sage Does our insignificance in terms of geologic time really make Oprah’s no texting while driving campaign silly and a waste of time?

No it doesn’t, the fact we all turn to dust and are not even a whisper uttered across time and space only makes it more important to have both hands on the wheel. And besides that the woman needs a cause. Jesus have you seen her lately.

Thanks Fucked up Sage.

(The Fucked Up Sage had his license revoked several years ago for unpaid speeding violations. He served two years in a Maximum security facility for assaulting an individual after trying to get a space in line for a taping of the Oprah show where she was rumored to be giving away cars. )

Lets ask the Fucked Up Sage

Fucked up Sage. How long can you leave pizza on the counter before its unsafe to eat?

That’s a bit tricky. If you leave it out long enough you may eat it, vomit profusely but the upside it creates a form of botchulism which allows you to apply the stiff pizza to your forehead to get rid of wrinkles

Thanks Fucked Up Sage

(The Fucked Up sage once delivered pizzas and later robbed the same houses. He called his Mother once fifteen years ago and hung up on her when she asked whats the matter. “Whats the matter fucked up sage.” The fucked up sage has had fifteen housekeepers in the last three years and most refuse to acknowledge him in public.)

Fucked up Sage, the latest scientific thinking suggests the laws of nature are capable of everything including creating themselves and creating god. Do you believe in a higher power?

As to the spontaneous creation of the universe If General Mills has taught us anything its that even Hamburger needs a helper.

Thanks fucked up Sage.

(The Fucked Up Sage once got probation for a coupon scam involving the General Mills Company. He was a Big Brother Mentor for the shortest time in history. Approximately fifteen seconds when his first question to the troubled child was “what is all this worth to you”)

The Fucked Up Sage would Love to answer more of your questions but he has a meeting shortly as President of the Humanities Council and before that has to brush up on recent changes to extradition laws. But if you need some wise advice on anything under, below, around or above the sun why not ask the Fucked Up Sage.

1 comment:

peterparley said...

Looking forward to you next Bog entry!

D.C. Librarian