Bin Laden's Son To Star in New Reality Show "So You Think You can Live Here'

After being denied entry into Egypt, the third country to reject the so called "Ambassador of Peace" Omar Osama bin Laden held a press conference to announce he has signed a contract with the makers of "Survivor" to star in a new show "So You Think You can Live Here" in which the controversial figure seeks asylum in countries around the world by performing special dance moves native to that country.
Each week the leaders of major nations will have to decide whether to vote him off the planet or let him live in their country for one week until the next show airs. The Bush Administration has already circulated a memo warning officials not to fall for his macarana moves however adorable they may be.

Hobo Futures Soar After Unemployment Report

After this mornings dismal November Unemployment Report
the hobo futures trading floor "is frenetic, limit up" according to Sid "Find Me a Home" Stein. Mr. Stein continued "I took everything I had (which was nothing) and bet that the value of the homeless would increase or decrease depending on your perspective. This leaves me where I began homeless."
added Mr. Stein before leaving the trading floor to hop the 8:08 Freight Train to Kankakee.

New York Times Publishes "No Exit" Polls

In its never ending quest to be erudite and parade its intelligence to the nth degree, the
York Times published ‘No exit’ polls taken on Election day.
Some of the highlights included:
15% said they had no faith in the future and they were suffocating on their past.
Of whites with a college education 35% realized nothing could change the unalterable weight of their mortality and most spent five hours in the voting booth staring at the senseless fluorescent lighting of the white void .
Of those making over $100,000, 50% voted to descend into the plus leather nothingness of a New Infinity.

Republicans Claim Scientific Proof Democratic Tears of Joy Last Night Were Elitist Tears

After electing the first black american to office and revitalizing their hopes Democrats and millions of people cried for hours last night
Republicans got a hold of those tears and have had them scientifically analyzed. They claim their composition yielded the following results:
20% Jamba juice
20% Harvard law review
20% Ionized Purified Belgian Spring water
20% The Amalgamated 1005 Elitist Union Refrigerator magnets
20% Yes We Can Oil of Cloves

Obama Once the Devil But Redistributed His Horns

Reaching for whatever these days the McCain camp claims Obama was once the devil but did in fact redistribute his horns to less fortunate devils.
Said one McCain spokesman "Millions of Americans share the Satanic dream of ruling darkness with modest projections from their head and Senator Obama wants to ruin this."

McCain Camp Claims Obama the Illegitimate Son of Joe and Eugene McCarthy

As part of its 'anything goes' strategy, the McCain camp now claims Obama's gay Fathers were in fact Joe McCarthy, the man who made a living bringing down alleged communists and Eugene McCarthy, the former ultra liberal who ran for President.
The McCain aide went on to elaborate "Any affiliation with Joe McCarthy even as his son makes me believe the child was under suspicion for questionable unpatriotic activities. The fact one of his gay fathers was an ultra liberal I believe says it all."

McCain tries to capitalize on "Bernice The Exterminator"

Desperate to throw out anything and everything at this point that may help his campaign McCain is citing an Obama conversation with a woman, Bernice Obromovitch, who owns a pest control business in Florida.
McCain addressed the press"Bernice, the exterminator whose simple dream was to rid Floridians of silverfish under an Obama administration would have to serve as a pest control woman in Afganistan to make ends meet.
This is not the America that I know. Clearly Obama's socialist leanings are putting cockroaches first"