New Excuses Jon Edwards Has for His Behavior

His girlfriend was an avatar he needed to sleep with so he could save the world from a band of cheating nymphomaniacs.

The sex tape was made to raise money for the Haiti earthquake victims and we’ll be released with his upcoming feel good song“We fuck the world”

He wore a pink ribbon while he slept with the woman to raise money for his wife’s breast cancer.

In addition to lewd sex acts he also discusses the dangers of global warming on the tape.

Kanye West Swears He Owns Illegal Guns

Upset about all the publicity Lil Wayne is getting after the illegal gun charges Kanye West is stepping forward.
At a recent press conference Kanye rambled and spouted:
"I own several guns, none of which are registered. Pull me over I dare you.
The police are scared of me. I thought for sure my "My Other Gun Isnt legally Registered Either" bumper sticker would make me a player.
Hell I eat .40-calibre semi-automatic's for breakfast.
In fact when I interrupted Taylor Swift I was packing. I really wanted to say Beyonce's firearms are the best but I didnt want to get her in trouble.
And you know when Plaxico Burris accidentally shot himself.
That was my gun in his pants and no he wasn't just happy to see me.
I supply most of the hip hop and rapper world with their pieces.
You see I'm a firm believer in gun control. There are lots of guns and I control them."

Republicans Claim Dems Considering Public vs Private Euthanasia Option

In what is being called scare tactics some Republican senators claim the Democrats are considering giving the public choice of Euthanasia options.
A little know Republican Wyoming senator pointed out this may put private Euthanasia entities out of business. "We need to create an even playing field even if we are burying people under that field"

New Reality show to Feature Publicity Stunts for New Reality Show

In the lastest life imitates art imitating life imitating a parakeet imitating life Fox has announced a new reality show, "Reality Shmeeality" that features everyday joe Sixpacks and Betty 24 packs who stage elaborate hoaxes in the hope of getting on the air.
Inspired by the recent balloon fiasco some of the stories in development include a young boy who has fallen down a hole in the factory where they make the "Clapper" and all the workers clap out songs to find him including "Day Tripper" and "Yellow submarine" on loan from the Michael Jackson catalog. He is eventually found by a young Mexican worker clapping out the Macarena and it turns out the worker is illegal and is profiled on 48 Hours "Whose Job is it Anyways?"
Another scenario has octomom taking a snorkeling trip and fighting for the rites to saltwater with Octopus (a jelly verterbrae'd fish) with triplet tentacles on the way. Octomom is eventually overtaken by SpongeBobSquarePants who forces out Octomom in a dress design competition.

Obama Receives Oscar

The Academy gave the President an Oscar in "one of the most admirable and respected films yet to be made."
The Academy went on to say "We know how skilled he will be when he hits the silver screen and this is a vote of confidence that he will beat out Hugh Jackman and Leonardo DiCaprio as well as Jack Nicholson's gritty comeback vehicle."

Real Reasons Chicago Didn't Get The Olympics

Real Reasons Chicago Didn’t Get the Olympics:

During the Presentation all the Chicago delegates were chewing on toothpicks.

The logo of the Beefy Ribs encapsulating the city didn’t cut it.

The Olympic committee wasn’t impressed by the video showing a flaming arrow lighting up the giant Foam Finger of the Number 1

The five Olympic ring of Deep Dish Pizza was too heavy on the sausage.

Mayor Daley gave each of the Olympic Voting members a GAF Viewmaster
to present his vision of the future.

The video of how the lakefront might appear in 2016 including Man eating Asian carp.

The Chicago delegation just assumed dead members of the Olympic committee would be part of the voting.

In a quest to match the color and passion of the Brazilian dancer’s presentation, the Chicago committee left the actual peacock on their festive headdress of feathers.

The Olympic voting committee didn’t bite on their competitive slogan
“Chicago: We put the Carny in Carnivale.”

New Strain of Chim Chimney H1N2 Chimney Flue Spreads

Chim, Chimney, Chim Chimney H1N2 has been turning up in rural areas across the country. The virus is created while making smores in cozy cabins and simultaneously watching Mary Poppins.
"The graham crackers, chocolate and vision of a flying nanny all blend to confuse cells to the point of virulent Hell" said Chimney Sweep and Immunologist Johnny Vasclowitz.
He went on to add "A transfusion of creasote with a I.V marshmellow drip
seems to be the only cure."
Scientists are hard at work to find a vaccine to fight the strain.
"We are getting some early good results with soot DNA. Also we are synthesizing the essence of weenies on sticks and getting some encouraging results." We just hope it doesnt mutate into something we can't get our arms around"
People infected often find themselves vomiting and singing at the same time and experience the need to buy several umbrellas.
This new strain of flu is not to be confused with the R2D2 Star Wars strain of flu reported to be planted by Lucas Studios.